Imagine if you will an image of a glorious pregnant beauty - glowing and radiant, consumed with adoration for the miracle inside her, enjoying her ever changing body and the beauty of the being that she is growing with such grace and so little effort.
Now imagine - standing behind her, wielding a mallet cartoon-style with a face twisted in rage - a heavily pregnant woman with a red & blotchy complexion, crazy eyes and half ripped out hair....
Guess which one is me?!!!
Yes, unfortunately pregnancy has seen me become something far less like this....
And far more akin to this.....
You hear people talk about a lot about the "crazy hormones" that pregnant women endure, but I fear that many think this is all a myth - I need to tell you that its not. Pregnancy will, unfortunately, turn some of us into sobbing, emotional, crazy, wound up shells of our former selves....and I'm here to tell you that its ok.
In a bid to prove the depths of craziness I have gone to over the last 28 weeks, I thought it only fair to share with you some of my Pregnant Psycho Moments:
1. One evening I was in the car with Jon (the long suffering boyfriend), he was driving and I was in the passenger seat, we were stuck in traffic on our way to a house viewing and his mobile phone rang. It was the estate agent we were due to meet. Jon politely asked me to answer the phone and tell the agent we were on our way but stuck in traffic.
As we were currently stationary, I took offense to this and told Jon to do it himself. When he advised me that it was illegal for him to answer his phone while driving even when stationary, I decided the best reaction was for me to grab the phone and throw it with force at the windscreen - smashing it (the phone luckily, not the windscreen) into tiny pieces.
2. I had a craving for a hot pasty from Greggs, so I sent Jon to get one for me. When he came out with a selection of cold pasties because they didn't have any hot ones, I started to cry....I literally sobbed as though my world had just ended. He went back in and asked if they would heat them up in the microwave. When he came out and told me they couldn't do that, I became hysterical and demanded he get my money back.
Rather than tell me where to go (Which I would have done, in his shoes) he dutifully went back in, made up a story about his strange friend who can't eat cold food because its against her religion and got my money back. I then laughed like a lunatic all the way home because I found this hilarious and so no longer cared about my pasty craving.
3. I cried watching Strictly Come Dancing because I thought their dedication to learning to dance was just so beautiful.
4. I sent Jon to KFC to get me a zinger tower burger and some hot wings. When he came back, the order was wrong and I had a fillet burger and a drumstick. I hit the roof. I insisted that he had obviously messed the order up entirely on purpose just to spite me, and threw the whole lot into the bin....including his meal. I feel bad now but at the time it felt entirely justified.
5. Jon was late home from work due to stopping at the post office to post some Ebay items he had sold. I called him to find out where he was, and he told me he was in line at the post office and would be home in ten minutes. I went hysterical. I told him he obviously didn't care about his pregnant girlfriend being home alone and posting ebay items was more important, so he needn't bother coming back because I was changing the locks. He was 20 minutes late.
But you know what?! Its ok!