If there's one thing that REALLY gets me all riled up its SCUMMY MUMMIES!!!
Now before I start this rant, let me just say - I realise that motherhood is hard work.
It's not going to be a natural calling for many people and everybody will struggle, and maybe from time to time we'll all commit the attrocities I'm about to list....but the Scummy Mummies to which I refer are not the ones who occasionally fall into these categories, they are the ones who - day in, day out - live in the manner I refer to below.
And so - let me break these Scummy Mummies down into sub-categories:
Scruffy Slummy Mummies
Certainly the mildest offender on my list, but on there nonetheless - this is the Mummy who likes to use her children as her excuse for generally just not bothering much anymore. Not bothering with her appearance - greasy hair and never an ounce of slap on, not bothering to clean her home, not bothering with her kids appearance, etc etc.
This Mummy claims that since giving birth, she just DOESN'T HAVE TIME to do these things anymore - well I'm sorry love, yes we all have off days when it's more than we can bare to drag ourselves out of our PJs, but you cannot use your children as an excuse to never run a brush through your hair again for the rest of your days.
By all means, have a lazy day - have 3! Have 4! But just admit that you're tired and you can't be bothered. Don't blame it on the kids because lets face it, no matter how busy your day is - there is ALWAYS a spare ten minutes somewhere if you try hard enough to find it!
How To Spot The Scruffy Slummy Mummy: They are the ones pushing around their kids at 4 in the afternoon, wearing their pyjamas or a scruffy old tracksuit covered with old coffee stains, child in pushchair will usually be sucking on a Greggs sausage roll or drinking a bottle full of milky tea.
Their Natural Habitat: Supermarkets and Shopping Malls - wearing aforementioned PJs, with ugg boots of course.
Most Likely To Say: "I haven't got time for make up!" (Sod off, mascara takes literally 30 seconds...)
Biggest Offence?: Well the thing that always perplexes me is...once they (and usually, their kids) have roamed the streets and gone shopping in their pyjamas all day - do they wear the same ones to bed?! Coz that has to be REALLY unhygienic!!
Saving Graces?: Other than being rough on the eyes, these Mummies don't generally do a great deal of harm - a few sausage roll lunches and pot noodles dinner never hurt any child. Maybe they REALLY are just that tired.......
Shouty, Sweary, "I-Dont-Care"-y Mummies
Now we start to get more serious.
This is the Mummy who is struggling to find her maternal streak. The ones who don't bother to filter their mouths around their kids - thinking it perfectly acceptable to swear like a sailor in front of their young offspring - either somehow expecting that they won't pick up the bad habit or simply not caring if they do.
They are often the type who shout and scream at their kids a lot, and seem to have little interest in actually bonding with and interacting with their children - instead only ever seeming to communicate with them to instruct them to do something or tell them off.
How To Spot The Shouty, Sweary, I-Don't-Care-y Mummy: They are the ones that are storming around dragging an angry or upset looking child behind them. Usually with a scowl on their faces, usually shouting at their child, blaming them for something or just generally having a dig at them. Of course, all of us could fall into this category on a bad day - but the ones that are serial offenders are usually easier to spot. The children appear hardened to their demeanor - which makes it all the more sad.
Their Natural Habitat: These Mummies can be found in most places - though you are very unlikely to ever find them in places aimed at children as they dislike spending their time and money on their children due to a general lack of interest in them.
Most Likely To Say: "I don't want to play with you- piss off and play by yourself"
Biggest Offence?: From personal experience, the worst offender I've seen was somebody I know (so I know it wasn't just a one off!) who was rushing off somewhere, dragging their little boy of 3 years old behind them, when he fell over and really hurt himself - instead of comforting him in anyway, she yanked him up and said "F**ks sake Timmy, get up you d***head!". Yes.....really.
I also find it really horrible when mothers see nothing wrong in swearing around their kids - ok so you might not mind if your kids swear. But when they go to school and swear around other kids, and THOSE kids go home and repeat the words and tell their parents which child they learned it from - do you really want your kid to be THAT child - the one that other parents don't want their kids to play with because they're a bad influence?!! How sad for that child.
Saving Graces?: Its hard to find any. The most I can muster is that maybe these Mummies are the way they are because they are seriously stressed out, unhappy or depressed. But for Goodness sake, if this is the case - PLEASE do something about it. How awful for a child to be brought up in this way!
Mashed Up, Mad-For-It, Me-Me-Me Mummies
Far and away the most hardcore offender on my list.
These are the mummies who, for whatever reason, simply can't let go of their youths and are hellbent on continuing to "enjoy their lives" and "Not let having kids rule them" - to the point that they insist on going out partying whenever the opportunity arises, or throwing boozy parties at their own homes and forcing their kids to endure them.
I don't think there's anything sadder than seeing a little child covering their ears at a party, up way past their bedtime, tired and upset because they just want to go to sleep but Mummy is too drunk and busy dancing around the living room to bother putting them to bed ....
Worse still are the Mummies who don't limit their good times to drinking, and instead fill their bodies full of all kinds of illegal nasties in the name of fun - despite the fact that they are supposed to be the adult responsible for their children.
How To Spot The Mashed Up, Mad-For-It, MeMeMe Mummy:
They are the ones who spend more time browsing for new party outfits for themselves than bothering to clothe their children - who would spend their childrens nursery fee money on a few grams of coke for the weekend - whose children can be spotted tired and crying in the corner of the living room at yet another house party, or being passed from babysitter to babysitter while Mummy is out again.
Their Natural Habitat: These Mummies can usually be found crouched over toilets shoving white powder up their noses whilst regailing their friends with tales of what their toddler said over breakfast that morning - because they're SUCH a good Mummy!
Most Likely To Say: Not much....they're more likely to be sitting in the corner chewing on a wire hanger
Biggest Offence?: Putting your children at risk because you're - a) too off your face to be able to care for them if they hurt themselves, b)incapable of getting them to the hospital should they suddenly require medical attention or c)not paying attention to who is in your house while your children are alone in their bedrooms and you have literally all kinds of no-hopers wandering around the place....Really?! Do you not read the news?!
Saving Graces?: There are none. Sterilisation is the only way where these people are concerned. Harsh but true. There is NO excuse.
And so there you have it - you may find my examples a little extreme, but sadly I have personally come across people that fall into each and every one of these categories and all of my examples are based on actual events.
Which makes me angry and that is why I just had to share.....
What do you consider to be the worst type of Mummy Offender?! As always, I'd love to hear from you.....