Sparkles & Stretchmarks: A UK Parenting & Pregnancy Blog: A Letter To My 15 Year Old Self....

Thursday, 11 July 2013

A Letter To My 15 Year Old Self....


Dear 15 Year Old Hayley......

Or "Lee" as you currently like to be known (you'll grow out of that....and you'll stop hating your name so much in a few years too...).

I know that the first thing that you'll want to know is "is everybody ok?!" - you worry so much all the time about all of your family, and you panic every night incase something horrible happens to one of them. You'll be relieved to know that you're almost 32 now, and *touch wood* there have been no horrible disasters so far - so try to stop worrying so much!!

Although that will never happen - but eventually you'll start to realise that worrying and panicking about these things as much as you do isn't really right, infact you have a bit of an anxiety disorder and your fear of death is something that will haunt you for the foreseeable future - but you will start to try to find ways to help yourself. It'd probably be really useful though to start a bit earlier, so maybe when you go to see your Dr about it and he gives you a form to fill in ....maybe you shouldn't lie on all of those questions to avoid "looking silly". Answer them truthfully, maybe he can help you....

Try not to worry so much about school and feeling like an outcast. You're right about being a bit different - you are. But that's not the bad thing that you think it is at the moment. All of those girls at school who make you feel like crap every day, call you names, make you think that you're so ugly you should be ashamed and so weird - their voices might matter within the school walls, but in a few years time you'll realise that's the only place they've ever mattered.

They often tease you for being "fat" - you will realise in a few years when you look back at pictures that actually, you had a lovely slim figure!! When you're a bit older, you find out the reason for always feeling so anxious and having heart palpitations so much is that you have a thyroid disorder - and after a few years of medication, you do end up putting a lot of weight on. You don't enjoy being bigger at all - so PLEASE enjoy your skinniness while you have it!! You wasted it so much by constantly letting girls at school tell you that you were hideous!




I still don't know what their problem was, and sometimes if you let yourself think about them too much you'll still find it upsetting - but just try not to. Because the funny thing is that most of those girls haven't achieved anything much from that day to this - you pass them occasionally on the street and they look the same, they hang around in the same crowds, live in the same places, go out with the same people - and they still seem to be the nasty little people they were then. Some of them even try to add you on social networking sites as though you've suddenly forgotten all of the years they spent torturing you.....You're clever enough not to waste your time on them. Trust me - once school is over with, they never matter again. 
Even the school itself will be torn down in a few years time....

Some of the people you went to school with though, you do keep in touch with and its nice to see that some of them have gone on to lead nice happy lives and are nice people - its the ones that you were friends with back then. So see - you made good choices!! 

I know that at the moment you worry a lot because you haven't had a boyfriend yet - don't. Once you start at 17, you're not actually single again for more than a month at a time! You have quite a few long term relationships with people in the end, so don't worry - you're not a spinster!
I feel like I should tell you something really prolific - something about how your life ends up and how fantastic it is - but that would make it feel like an "ending" kind of letter and really, things are actually only just beginning in life.

You're a new Mum now - you had a son! Yes...that's right....a SON!!! I know you always thought you only wanted girls and you're probably currently panicking about what on earth you'd call a boy and how you'd manage to dress him in pink all the time - don't worry, you do what you always knew you would and give him a very unique name....and you find ways to work your signature colour into his wardrobe! ;)

In fact, you actually love having a baby boy - you were the first person in the family to have a boy since Peter was born - and he's nearly 30 now!
Now that you have a boy, you actually can't imagine ever having a girl - but its ok, because you can still satisfy your love of girly things and dressing up with your nieces - you have two of them!!!! And a nephew on the way!!



Yep - Loopy Lou becomes a Mummy before you! Imagine that?! She actually stops crawling around and pretending to be a cat and turns into a grown up!!! Now she has a daughter who crawls around and pretends to be a cat - it drives her mad, you think its hilarious. 
You don't find her so annoying anymore - you end up being friends with her actually. She's actually quite cool as far as little sisters go - and her daughters are fab! You LOVE being an Aunty!!

You're still close to your Mum & Dad like always, infact you're living with them at the moment. Yep - you move back home for a while!! So maybe don't be quite SO upset when you leave home the first time around - its not THAT bad! You actually LOVE being out on your own - you even move away from your beloved Liverpool to go and live in Devon!

You meet your eventual partner there - he's from Newcastle though, weirdly!! You meet him at work and at first you barely notice him - but you do in the end and then there's no looking back!

So basically "Lee"....stop worrying so much about everything. Your life is fun! You don't have anything too dreadful coming up for the next 16 years at least so you can have a rest from worrying all the time - you get to do some travelling which I know you're just desperate to do at the moment, you always continue to love writing - so keep practising! In fact, keep all those stories you write somewhere safe - it's such a shame that I don't know where any of them are!!!

Oh and one more thing - try to smile a bit more. I've been looking through old photos of you tonight, and you were such a bloody miserable looking cow!!!!! ;)

Love from 31 Year Old Hayley

xxx

I'm linking up with Charlotte from Write Like No One's Watching - check out her own post HERE

25 comments:

  1. Wonderful post! So reflective. If only we knew then what we know now... Blessings to you on your journey!

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  2. I have no idea why but this actually made me tear up, in a good way. It was a well written post and a good way to reflect on life. It's silly how worries and anxiety holds us back in case the worst happens, yet the years roll back and we're still here with only a little bad.
    Like Penny said above, if only we knew then what we did now.

    Great post, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :D

    Juyey xx

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    1. Aww thank you Juyey, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It is silly and so true what Penny said!! :)

      xxx

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  3. Wow you havent changed much at all hun. Great post xx

    Beautyqueenuk

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  4. These posts are so fun to write aren't they.
    Really enjoyed reading yours and finding out about your past. x

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    1. They are! Well maybe not so much fun, but healing in a way! I felt a bit upset after writing mine but in a good way!

      xxx

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  5. Aww what a lovely post!! I'm all emotional now!!

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  6. This is a great post Hayley, and sod all the bitches who used to be nasty to you at school, girls used to be nasty to me say I was anorexic looking and ugly and I still think about it, but now I see them and think thank goodness I didn't end up like you!!xxx

    http://londonmummyoftwo.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Aww thanks Em! Ugh sod all those bitches who said that to you too!!! Jealousy!!!

      xxx

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  7. Blooming heck, I'm sat here roaring. I think I see quite a bit of myself in you. I could never have imagined ever having a son, but Oscar is wonderful. I couldn't imagine life without him. I also had some bitchy girls hate me at school for no real reason and oh my god, when I left home I absolutely sobbed my heart out! Lol.

    Brilliant post. I won't steal your idea this time. I don't think I could write to my 15 year old self without shedding any more tears ;)

    Lou xxx

    Confessions of a Secret Shopper

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    1. Aww we do seem to have a lot of similarities don't we?! Lol aww bless! It is actually oddly therapeutic to write though you know!

      xxx

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  8. what a lovely post, it's so reflective, xxx

    http://busybeemummybex.blogspot.co.uk

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  9. I always thought I would have girls, now I have a son I can't imagine ever having a daughter!xx

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  10. Heartfelt and profound(I can relate to you, Hayley), Thank you for sharing!

    xoxoxox

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  11. It does always make me sad to think of how we let bullies rule our lives and define our self-image as teenage girls - as you say, as soon as you leave school you never see those people anymore and they usually end up living sad, desperate lives while the smart quiet people they picked on become the CEO of Microsoft (for example). 15 year old "Lee" looks like a lovely girl and I am pleased to hear she grew up to be a little less anxious! xx

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  12. I had tears in my eyes reading this, you're such a good writer Hayley! What a lovely post, I always thought I'd have 2 boys and could never imagine having a daughter, it's funny how things turn out isn't it :) really enjoyed reading that xxxxx

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    1. Aww thank you Emma. It is funny how things turn out!! Would be interesting to look back on this in a few years time and see how much things have changed again!
      xxx

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  13. I loved this so much Hayley. What a gorgeous teen you were. I worry about my family lots too and I wish I'd appreciated my flat tummy when I had one. You were a lovely person then and you are now! xx

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