Sparkles & Stretchmarks: A UK Parenting & Pregnancy Blog: Loneliness

Monday, 7 September 2015


It always strikes me as I can spend my entire day surrounded by other people, always with a toddler hanging off my leg chattering away about this or that, always with a cooing baby on my hip, always with my partner just there by my side....

But yet....I still so often feel that familiar pang of loneliness.

You find your ways of getting by of course....

I have a group of mummy friends online who I started chatting when I was 8 weeks pregnant with Tyne, all of whom were due within weeks of each other with our first babies, and those girls to this day are my little support network...I don't know what I'd do without them!

I have some blogger friends that I'm incredibly close with who I can chat to on social media when I feel like it, and I've come to consider them to be true friends.

But these people are spread across the globe...and sometimes, you just crave that kind of friendship with other mothers more local to you.

I'm not the most sociable person in the world, and I have my anxiety issues...but sometimes I'd just really like to have a friend around who understands those days when the kids are just too much and  you just need to get out of the house...

Who understands those days when your partner just isn't the person you want to offload onto and you just want some female company for a girly natter over a cuppa and some biscuits.

Is it just me?!

Despite having a partner who I consider to be my best friend, despite the fact that sometimes I just like my own space, despite the fact that my kids entertain me most of the time...does anybody else just sometimes feel really lonely?

This might sound a bit bigheaded of me so forgive the self-indulgence but on the whole...I think I do pretty ok at this Motherhood malarkey.

Ok so I'm not into crafting or home baking, but  I like to think that I make up for my lack of interest in those things in other areas - I have a pretty decent fuse temper-wise and have only really shouted at Tyne once that I recall (I worked a lot with young kids before having them so I think my patience has been tested enough that it lasts quite a while now!), I'm pretty fun and I come up with lots of ideas for family days out and adventures we can have, I'm pretty easy-going but I can be strict when I need to be, we've got ourselves into a swing that suits us and the stress levels in our house are generally pretty low most of the time...I feel like I'm almost winning at this Motherhood thing most days! But then there's this one MAJOR flaw in all of it....

My big motherhood failure...

That no matter how confident I am within my own four walls, when it comes down to it...I still feel like that same awkward schoolgirl when it comes to making friends.

I don't know what to say to people, I don't know how to approach them, I don't know what to talk about, I worry that things I find funny aren't funny to anybody else, I worry that I'm going to say something really stupid and everyone will think I'm a weirdo....

So it's just easier to keep myself to myself and not try....but it's lonely. And I know it's not the right thing to do.

I don't want to be the lonely Mum.

I don't want to be the one at the edge of the playground at school pick up time not joining in with the chit chat...

I don't want to be the Mum nobody asks to help out with jumble sale or the school play coz they don't really know her...

I don't want to be the loner.

And I don't want my children to pick up on my social awkwardness or realise that Mummy doesn't have any other Mummy friends.

As much as I love chatting away to Tyne about all kinds of everything and as great a conversationalist as he is for a 2 year old, he has zero interest in gossiping about Celebrity Big Brother with me and sometimes I need that!

So tell I the only one who feels this way?!

Does my loneliness make me a failure?

Because it can't be anybody elses fault but my own.

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  1. I definitely have lonely days, I think it is a normal 'thing' to feel x

  2. Your most definitely not alone. I am that mum in the playground hiding at the edge that dosnt get asked to join in things as I'm just not that confident. I think people sometimes mistake lack of confidence/shyness for being stuck up but I'm farrrrrr from that! I'm in no way perfect! I think we find it hard when we have kids as we don't want to be judged or feel we are doing something wrong when around other mums or that might just be me?

  3. I'm not a mum so can't comment on the motherhood aspect of your post but I think loneliness affects everybody one way or another! One thing I can relate to is the being afraid of saying something stupid in front of new people so just not saying anything! I hate feeling like that.
    Bea x
    As Seen By Bea

  4. You are definitely not alone. I feel the same as you, I think a lot of other people do too. It's sort of about faking it until you make it (I think). x

  5. Awh Hayley, I wish you just lived down the road because I feel just the same as you do. I find myself becoming incredibly lonely sometimes and it's the saddest feeling. I wish I had people to have a gossip and a giggle with and just some girly time. You're lucky Tyne talks, TL still doesn't say much, hopefully he'll learn so so that I can have someone to chat with when J is at work :) x

  6. So not alone on this. I have never been very good at the whole 'mummy friends' thing so often feel a little bit lonely (my closest friends don't have children and work full time etc so it is tricky to meet up regularly). I enjoy my own company though - is that sad?? haha x

  7. I feel you! I'm not a mommy, although I really want to be one soon!
    I fear for my anxiety and depression, I'm so socially awkward that people tell me that I look mean and arrogant which makes me isolate even more.
    So that feeling of loneliness that you have I recognise it so well :( but I can tell you that I learned to enjoy my own company and instead of blaming myself all the time for being the way I am I just embraced it and things just became a lot easier :)

    The Vintage Owl | Bloglovin

  8. It's such a weird feeling to be surrounded by people but to still feel lonely! I know the feeling, and it's so horrible sometimes. Are there any mum and baby groups local to you? They can be really good to be involved with :) I don't have children myself but I work with babies a lot (in a pottery studio! :P) and we often have Baby and Toddler events with lots of mums and babies coming in for tea and chats and painting sessions. They can be great social events for people looking to branch out :)

  9. Omg, please don't feel that way!
    First of all, being an extroverted, talkative and social person is overrated, that's for sure.
    Second of all, yes, human contact is necessary, friends and peers especially, and what on earth made you think that the people you consider (and are afraid of) talking to are better than you?
    Because they are not, they just don't really care what people will think about what they say.
    If this is something you read constantly and still isn't helpful, then I recommend a book I read when I was a teenager. I never had problems with communication, but I needed it for various things and I loved it. It's called "How To Talk To Anyone", by Leil Lowndes and it's FULL of entertaining stories that teach you how to snap out of your social awkwardness.

    And since you work with children, this may hit close to home:
    In the book there is a story about a woman who is shy and can't talk to men. The author says she watched her at a party: An attractive man approached, and she shut down, not knowing what to say, her body language totally giving her away. And minutes later, a small boy ran to her and she immediately lightened up, picked the kid up and started talking to him. With a kid, she felt self-confident, she knew she had more experience, more authority. There were things she knew better than him.

    Well, voila, the exact same thing goes for grownups as well. All you have to do is know how much you're worth it.

    I never visit mommy blogs. But I'm glad I found yours ;) Sorry for the long comment. I just hope I could help.

  10. It's good to know i'm not the only one! I'm at home all day with Taylor ( 8 months ) and know very few mums near us so it's usually just the two of us and some days I feel like climbing the walls. We joined Baby Sensory and it took me an entire term but I finally made friends with 1 of the other mums there, and just my luck she's now returned to work! Xx

  11. I was like this when i had my first and I didn't really go out and if i needed to go out i ended up in a panicky mess before hand. This time I was determined to get out with baby and do things and I have and I've made some great friends. Its so much easier than I thought and people are so friendly. So i started Slimming World and the first night I went i was so worried and then 3 lovely ladies came over to me and said don't sit here on your own come sit with us. Now they are really great friends. The same with getting out with baby, however one thing I will say is some playgroups can have different friendship groups that you may not be welcomed into. very snooty some are that I've been to. However have made great friends at others. xx

  12. First of all you are not a failure, far from it, so please don't be thinking that you are. I could have written that post, like you my friends are my Mummy friends I met online when I was pregnant with my 3 year old, I'd be lost without them.
    Nicola xxx

  13. I can relate to this! I have plenty of online friends I can always talk to, anytime of the night and day because they're spread out all over the world but in real life? I have no friends and sometimes we all need friends and company. Adult company at that! *hugs* xx

  14. I definitely don't think it's just you! You can also be surrounded by people but feel incredibly lonely. It's all about finding a balance x

  15. I'm terrible with loneliness. I have to constantly be out doing things because I just hate being by myself. Sometimes I'll have a day by myself at home and by the evening I'm almost in tears because I just want to talk to someone in person! One of the reasons I could never travel by myself - I once spent two days in Sydney by myself and was miserable 99% of the time!

    C x | Lux Life

  16. I feel this all the time, sometimes you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I know it's a strange thing, but I've learned to enjoy my time alone. Maybe it has something to do with where I live and a lot of my friends have left to country but I find I blog to counteract loneliness :) Loneliness does not make you a failure! also totally agree that sometimes you need to have a cuppa and a natter with one of the girls! :) I always believe in the quote that its better to have one great friend than 10 aquintences:) xxx

  17. You are not the only one! I hear this over and over again on online forums. i'm lucky to have a great support group of girl friends, but we all went to school together and still live within the same area. I've made lots of great online friends since having the baby - i think those who get out to work have more of a chance to socialise - if you're a stay at home Mum it's not easy. It's also not easy to just rock up and start a conversation, never is. Think you've opened a very good discussion here.

  18. I have a great selection of friends but not really any 'Mammy friends'. I'd love to be able to socialise with other mothers and our kids, but im really not a fan of baby groups and the like.

    Cat x

  19. I don't think you're a failure Hayley. I wish you wouldn't feel that way, it makes me so sad :( Stacey is now 12 and I still don't feel like I've cracked the mummy friends thing. I had loads of friends when I was at school (not so much at school, but from all the clubs I went to), but having a baby at 18 most definitely kills any chance of a social life. I wouldn't change a thing if I had to do it again though, so I guess things always seem worse than they are? Keep your chin up, you'll be fine :)

    Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Xxx

  20. You can never be alone when you have a phone full of twitter followers in your pocket! The early days of motherhood are very daunting, as your life completely changes. I think you lose a little of who you are.

  21. Oh god no its not just you, reading your post made me realise that no matter where your from or what you do, I think a lot of women feel this way, I think also its so much easier sometimes to offload to someone online rather than face to face and thats why online friendships are so important xx

  22. I feel exactly the same! Bar a natter online I'm a very unsociable and lonely individual. My job makes me a bit of a recluse and I don't have the kids at home as they both go to school. It's pretty much me against the world a lot of the time. You need to move nearer 😘 xx

  23. You are definitely not a failure!! I can relate to everything you mentioned here. I feel so lonely most of the time too, I literally have 1 friend in the "real" world who i rarely see anymore and then all my other friends are mums I've met online from baby due date groups or bloggers who i consider my friends and chat to daily. Its so strange. I can see myself being the quiet one at the school gate arrived just in time so I don't have to speak to anyone! x

  24. You are not alone, from a young age I have always felt alone, even now with a lot of friends I still feel lonely and it is a strange feeling to have. I was bullied/ abused ect and it really affected my self- esteem issues. Sometimes I want everyone to love me and get upset if someone turns out to be a false friend.


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