Sparkles & Stretchmarks: A UK Parenting & Pregnancy Blog: Am I The Only Blogger Who....

Monday, 24 October 2016

Am I The Only Blogger Who....




Feels the pressure to take photos in a Pumpkin Patch as soon as October rolls around?

I mean, if I don't...is it even October?!!! 

And the same goes for Lavender fields in the summer....

Sunflower fields too! Seriously, check my Google history and marvel at how many times I searched the term "Sunflower Fields In Devon" this Summer...whilst simultaneously screaming "FOR GODS SAKE, THERE MUST BE ONE SOMEWHERE! WHAT ABOUT MY INSTAGRAM NEEDS?!

Spends car journeys scoping out possible new spots for Me & Mine photos...

I've lost count of the number I've times I've shouted out "THERE! We should go there for next months photos!" while pointing at a random patch of land on a road I will never remember....

Has an Instagram feed that's anything but Instant...

Because AS IF my fuzzy phone snaps are going on my feed?!!! No thanks, I'll spend an hour uploading and editing my DSLR ones instead....Who cares that you're seeing things we did a week ago, while we're currently slobbing around in our PJs at home....

Also...how do all of you have such amazing camera quality on your phones...do your children not chew your phones to within an inch of their life?! No?! Just mine?!

Uses smug  quotes to accompany said images and makes self seem all deep and intelligent...

Even though, if I'm honest, I've just google searched "Pretentious quotes about childhood" and stuck them up there...I've probably never even heard them before in my life....And yes I do feel a bit like a tool when I do it...What can I say?! I'm just not as deep as my Instagram feed would have you believe....

Can't help but take it personally when people unfollow me on Instagram...

Sorry that my kids faces are so offensive to you, Bye then!...#FuckYouVeryMuch...


Says things like "I'm such a crap mum, I haven't done any sensory activities with the kids this week at all and my Frankenstein Marshmallow Pops were such a fail..."


...only to be reminded by my partner that  "Pinterest isn't real life Hayley....step away from the iphone and back into the real world where Mums have more to do than spend their days making edible slime and homemade play dough"

He makes a good point....but dammit, WHY can't I be a Pinterest mum?! WHAT IS THEIR SECRET?!


Feels as though they're the only blogger who can't film a decent video or take a decent photograph...


I mean....Does everybody else live in glass houses?! HOW are you all getting so much natural light all of the bloody time?!! It's AUTUMN!!! It's dark all day! Tell me your secrets, Sorceress!

And also feels like the only blogger who struggles to keep up with it all while everybody else manages to raise their kids, churn out umpteen brilliant blog posts every week, join in with endless linkies, fix their broken links regularly,  flood Instagram with endless gorgeous photos, make homemade granola bars and generally WIN at blogging and life...

Meanwhile here I am struggling to cross one thing a day off my to do list, whilst simultaneously adding another 3 onto it...

Spends most of their time looking like a bag lady, and feeling like an extra from Night Of The Living Dead....

Because honestly, it seems like the rest of you live in Instagrammable outfits and spend your entire lives looking #OnTrend and #NoFilter Selfie ready....even when you've just woken up....Could you piss off with that please?

Gets all excited when they log in to see "17 new comments" on their blog page, only to see 15 of them are from spambots...

Oh the RAGE when this happens! Damn you Maninka and your broken english faux interest in my "excellent site" that you "so enjoy ...plz check out my site"...umm...NO! 

Starts to fall asleep and suddenly thinks of an AMAZING blog post idea...

But you're sure you'll remember it in the morning as it's SO GOOD....But of course, you never do....it's gone forever.

Checks her emails, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram first thing in the morning...usually before saying Good Morning to their partner...*cringe*

And while we're sharing...I'm usually on the loo while I do it too, just for added cringe value...

Has a partner who asks "Do you want the camera?" every time we leave the house...

Even when we're just going to the Drs...I mean come on, how dare you insinuate I'm THAT obsessive about photos?!

And he also knows exactly what angle to photograph me from, what filter to use and to NEVER, EVER use the damn flash!

...it takes month to train a good Instagram Husband, but it's worth it! 


Feels like a total fraud every time I write a post offering any sort of advice to other Mums...

Because while you're reading that lovely post about how I got my kids to sleep through the night from 5 minutes old and how I make homemade ice cream from fresh unicorn milk every day, chances are that my 3 kids are running around the house in their nappies, drawing on the walls and gargling nutella while I'm sitting on the sofa like a zombie wishing I had half the answers I pretend to have on this blog...


Feels as though these days...my friends all live inside the computer...as the only people who really "get me" are all those other bloggers who also spend their days hunting down Pumpkin patches and trying to get their kids to smile for photos...

Non-bloggers just don't understand!!

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23 comments:

  1. This post really made me laugh. I agree with you re. natural lighting. I can only assume they have a studio light set up or something!

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  2. This is now my favorite post ever!!! Real life is more interesting than picture-perefectness ;) Gosh, me and my husband used to fight over photos all the time cause he had his idea of how photos are taken. I had to hammer the "bloggers" way into him :D:D:D

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  3. Give me real life over picture perfect any day. Must just say - fab photo of you x

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  4. Love love LOVE this post Hayley! Will share later once I'm home!! :) xxxx

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  5. This is brilliant, I fail to even get blog posts written at the mo, they are just all in my head still! Instagram...don't even go there not got my head around that one yet!

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  6. All of this!!! I've been desperately hunting down a pumpkin patch in our area!!! I feel like such a bad blogger for not haveing been before now. Oops!

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  7. I basically love you right now! Great and honest post!

    #marvmondays

    PS- I just found your linky last night!

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  8. You're awesome Hayley. This is hilarious. I also regularly think so many of these things (but we did go to a pumpkin patch ;) ) xx

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  9. Omg yes the light for pictures. I'be told my partner we need more lamps in the lounge because I have to use too high an ISO. And I've complained that our house is too much of a tip which is why I can't vlog. Oh and my daughter refuses to wear clothes which are camera worthy (or clothes full stop) which is why I'' behind on the toy review posts.

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  10. Ok. Firstly, I'm in London and even I found a sunflower field, lavender field and pumpkin patch... so sort it out Hayley! Secondly, play doh is music easier to make when you substitute "creme of tartar" with hair conditioner (try it, it really works) and thirdly, ISO 200, Aperture 1.8 and Shutter Speed 80 will seriously help your dark photo issues. LOL! Seriously, this post has made me question most of my blogging life! Love it! Haha! xxx

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  11. There are no words! Just - I feel you!!

    Emily - BabiesandBeauty #marvmondays

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  12. This post is perfection and I read it all with a huge smile on my face. Something tells me we're all living behind a big smokescreen. At least I know there is at least one more person out there like me!! I was only thinking about Pumpkin patches on my commute to work today - I've never even considered it in other years before!! What has this blogging world done to me?! #marvmondays

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  13. This made me laugh so much!! I am so many of these things!!!! x

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  14. Hahaha Hayley this is brilliant!! Non bloggers just don't understand 😂

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  15. Haha this is brilliant Hayley! I have been nodding along to every single one. I still cringe a bit when I try to organise my husbands weekends off aroundblog photo opportunities and try to make out it just so happened we were all looking presentable and stumbled across this gorgeous area and as luck would have it, the proper camera is in the change bag! 😉 Xx

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  16. This proper made me giggle! I've taken to noting down blog post ideas when i have them....If my hands aren't full of screaming/feeding/sleeping babies!

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  17. Omg I love this Hayley! The video and photograph one is getting me lately. I cannot understand how everyone else's are so so good, where the hell are they getting the light! Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

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  18. I love this too! I can't take a decent photo either and I am so offended if someone ever unfollows me, what am I doing wrong?! Why don't you like me?! I take everything so personally but I think some people just want their followers to be much higher than the amount of people that they follow. It doens't stop me being offended though! #anythinggoes

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  19. I totally agree with all the non-kid ones (if I had kids, I'm sure i'd be guilty of all of those too lol)
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes :)
    Debbie

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  20. Eeeks. This made me wince and laugh. I am guilty of sharing photos that have been filtered and are very last week. I also love to whack a quote on it so I can pretend to appear deep and meaningful #FridayFrolics ps totally typing this while in my pjs too yet my instagram feed shows me running around Jersey

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  21. I love this. I have given up on being Pinterest perfect though. It's just not me! I always have a great idea in the shower and then forget it whilst I'm trying to remember whether I already conditioned my hair or not!!! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

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  22. I love this post! Let me know if you ever find a pumpkin patch in Devon, I've never found one. There is however, a beautiful sunflower field at Darts Farm, we went this summer and you can pick them. I too get unfollower rage and take it very personally 😊

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  23. This post is amazing! I too add more to my to do list than I actually do lol. I think many of the things you mentioned in this post relate to us all. And damn the spam bits lol

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