The biggest night in the Hollywood Calendar is almost upon us, and you can almost feel the tension as LA's Elite wait with baited breath to find out which of them will be taking home those coveted golden statues...yes tonight is Oscars night and Hollywood is currently filled with tiny perfect humans primping and preening themselves, grown adults being helped to get dressed and no doubt lots of nervous excitement as the red carpet is laid and the edible gold (!) is set out on platters ready for their arrival...
Meanwhile, in my house, it's a typical Sunday - there's been crayon artwork on the walls, spats over who get's to play with the Dr Freeze figure (*Spoiler Alert* Me...because I've decided that if they're going to argue over something then from now on it becomes part of Mummy's Special Collection that nobody can have...it's a rapidly growing collection...) and even a particularly colourful poo-splosion thanks to the effects of 12 month vaccines.
So although there will certainly be none of the Hollywood glamour in store for me this weekend, I thought I would still make the effort to join in with the festivities...and what better way to mark the occasion than with my very own Oscars...especially for my house full of Toddlers!
So come on boys, get your finest dribble bibs on and put down those soggy breadsticks...it's time for The Toddler Oscars!
Our first award of the evening is...*drum roll please*...
Best Dramatic Melt Down In A Public Place
We have numerous contenders for this coveted award, it was difficult to narrow the choices down...but here are our finalists.
1) The Toddler On The Train - Noah's epic tantrum during our return Eurostar trip home from Disneyland, which included planking, laying on the floor of the carriage, screaming at volumes never before heard from a human child, and shouting "NAOOOO!" in a voice identical to the girl from The Exorcist as I tried, like the cruel witch I am, to remove him from said train because it was our stop. How ruddy dare I.
2) (Not) Taken - Tyne's realisation during a shopping trip in Sainsburys that he could maximise the effect of his epic CBeebies-magazine related meltdown by shouting, at the top of his lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY! GO AWAY FROM ME! I WANT MY MUMMY!" - cue looks of extreme concern from passersby as I carted him out of the store under my arm, trying to reassure everybody that I was indeed his Mummy and that nobody needed to call the police. Awks.
But The Winner Is....
Disney Magic At It's Finest
After years of imagining it and months of saving, we headed off to our long anticipated Disneyland holiday with thoughts of the magical and wondrous moments that lay ahead as our precious child experienced the joy of Disney for the first time, just like those wide eyed and awe-filled little darlings on the adverts...
Yeah...what the adverts don't mention is how bloody exhausting and overwhelming Disney is for toddlers sometimes, and I wasn't quite prepared for the level of tantrumming we were going to endure...Here's a little example, this was taken just after we'd met Mickey Mouse and was because, in his words, "I don't want the other kids to meet Mickey! I hate Disney! Disneyland is rubbish! This is the most useless holiday ever!"...Ahhhh magical.
Moving on to our next award...
Most Embarrassing Speech Given In Public
There are, again, many contenders for this coveted title but I have narrowed the finalists down to these:
1) Free Willy
In the Loo's at Sainsburys
Tyne: "Mummy, have you got a widgy?"
Me: "Umm nope"
Tyne: "Why not? Did it fall off?"
Me: "No I never had one. Ladies don't have them".
Tyne: "But my cousin Lottie does"
Me: "No she doesn't"
Tyne: "Does Aunty Laura have one?"
Tyne: "I think she does, maybe just a little one"
We go to the sinks to wash our hands and an old lady comes to stand next to us. She smiles at Tyne and says hello.
Tyne (in the loudest voice imaginable): "HELLO! Have you got a widgy? My Aunty Laura has got just a little one! I've got a biiiiiig big one!"
2) Boy Story
When sitting down in a lovely, quiet little restaurant on board our cruise ship last holiday...you could hear a pin drop. It was a very posh little place, with the only sound coming from the classical pianist playing beautifully as diners indulged in their exquisite meals.
We sat ourselves down...and approximately 5 seconds later....this happened:
*Extremely loud suspicious fart noise that EVERYONE in the restaurant heard*
Noah (at the top of his voice): "Uh Oh! POO POO! Eeeee stinky!"
But the winner is...
50 Shades Of Shame...
During an outing in Waitrose, the following conversation took place...loudly.
Tyne (running down the aisles away from me towards something he'd spotted): "Oh yay! I loooove racists!"
Me (running manically behind him): Raisins!! They're called raisins!"
And our final award of the night is for Best Special Effects!
The contenders for this category were hard to whittle down, but these are the ones that made it through:
1) Baby Tyne's first experience of eating out which resulted in the most epic splattering of green rice across a restaurant that I have EVER witnessed or thought possible. The waiter looked like he was going to sob. We have never returned to Giraffe since. For shame.
2) Tyne & Noah's many valiant attempts at doing their make up, which usually results in items that were placed WAY out of their reach being smashed to smithereens whilst I stand on the sidelines, puzzled by how they ever managed to reach them in the first place.
But the winner is...
This creative display of Toddlerhood at it's finest - when I thought, like the daft cow I am, that they would be fine if I left them in the living room for 20 seconds whilst I put a nappy in the bin.
But nope...they found the felt tips and came over all arty...on my living room wall. Awesome.
So there we have it! It's been emotional, it's been educational and I think we can all agree that the stars of the 2017 show are, without a doubt, the double act of Tyne & Noah...with a special mention for best Supporting Toddler Sailor...he's one to watch out for in next years awards, I'm sure!
Now...where's the champagne?!!
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