Monday, 17 April 2017

Ways To Kill Yourself



If you've come to this post because you googled the search term in it's title...you're the person I want to talk to.

I want to reach out to you.

Because I know how it feels to be in the place you are. 

I know how hopeless you feel.

I know how you upset/angry/numb/scared/desperate/alone you feel...

Maybe you feel all of those things at once, maybe not...

It probably changes, comes and goes in waves, or maybe you've felt one way for a really long time and you're beginning to doubt that there's any light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm writing this post because I googled those words myself today, too.

Because that's how I'm feeling.

Right now, at the time of writing this post in January 2017, I can't give you any guarantees that things will get better...I can't give you a positive story right at this moment.

Because right now, I feel like there is no light. That all that's in that tunnel is darkness.

Right now - despite all of the good and amazing things in my life, despite the fact that I know my three young children need me and that I would be hurting people I love - right now it all feels too hard, and too hopeless and I feel completely alone.

Even when I'm sitting in a room with my family, I feel alone.

Even when my children are calling for me, I feel useless and unwanted.

Even when I'm smiling, I feel sad and desperate.

Right at this moment, I feel like there's no hope.

Right at this moment, I want to be dead.

And I feel so guilty for feeling that way...because I know I have it easier than a lot of people.

I feel so guilty because I know that it's selfish.

And I feel so guilty because I don't want the people around me to think it's a reflection on them.

But that knowledge and that guilt don't take away the fact that I don't want to be here anymore.

And the guilt just makes it all worse.

I feel like there is no point.

I feel like things will never feel any different or get any better.

Because sometime's its not possible to see beyond the place you're currently at, and the overwhelming feelings and emotions you currently have.

But wait.

If you feel this way too, then please hang on and hear me out.

If you are reading this post, then try to have faith.

Because the fact that this post has been published today means something  HAS changed since I wrote it...It means I got through that day...and that week...and probably the next few months at least.

Because the thing is, I won't have the courage to publish this post this until I am feeling stronger and until life feels less bleak.

I won't have the nerve to admit to these feelings in public until I know that I have beaten them.

So maybe this is a post that will never be read, if I don't beat them and if things don't change, but I really hope that it is published one day.

What struck me today when I googled those words was that I ended up on a page called "Suicide Forum"...and that forum had a visitor counter that told me over 2 million people had viewed it in total.

....and that almost 2,000 people had visited that page TODAY ALONE.

And in a strange way, it sort of made me feel slightly better...because it made me realise that if 2,000 other people were feeling the same way as I was today...then really, I'm not alone at all.  

If you're reading this because you googled "Ways To Kill Yourself Without Pain" like I did today...then please stop and take a moment, please just hang on...because the fact that you're reading this means that things changed for me, that I came out the other side of that awful, deep, dark depression.

And if it changed for me, it can change for you too.

I'm not saying it will be easy, or that in a few months it will all magically go away. I know that I am one of the lucky ones and that for me this has been a relatively short lived feeling - but what I am saying is that the way you feel right now will not last forever. It is not permanent. There are things you can do to make it easier to live with. There are steps that can be taken to make each tomorrow a little more liveable.

Just hold on a little longer, and reach out to somebody for help.  Please.

Even if you don't think so right now, your life matters.



****

I am publishing this post today in support of Heads Together - this was not done at their request, but because this is a charity that I want to raise awareness of.

I have become very aware of how difficult it is to recieve help and treatment when suffering with mental health problems, and how hard it is to ask for it - Heads Together are trying to change that.

"Too often, people feel afraid to admit that they are struggling with their mental health. This fear of prejudice and judgement stops people from getting help and can destroy families and end lives. Heads Together wants to help people feel much more comfortable with their everyday mental wellbeing and have the practical tools to support their friends and family"

To find out more please www.headstogether.org.uk or if you need someone to talk to now, call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org

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6 comments

  1. i'm so sorry you've been through this. & i'm so happy you're someway out of the other side.
    *hugs*

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  2. Oh Hayley. Oh my darling Hayley. I just don't know what to say other than I am so sorry it got to this point back then. I'm so glad that you felt you could publish it today and that it means you are feeling brighter. Massive hugs and I hope anyone else going through it finds it and gets comfort xxx

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  3. Such a brave brave post, it makes me so sad you felt this way but the fact you fought it so hard is something you should be so proud of! Wish I was closer to bundle you up for a tea and biscuit natter. You should be so massively proud of yourself and the post could really make a BIG difference to someone out there. Well done my lovely xxx Ruth xxx

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  4. Hayley I'm so sorry you have been to this dark dark place. I'm so glad that you have moved back into the light somewhat now, & I hope that you keep moving along that tunnel back to where you can feel the sunshine and happiness again. I had no idea from watching your vlogmas vids that you felt like this and I think you are fantastic for opening up and helping others. Sending a huge hug. Louise (Pink Pear Bear)

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  5. Very brave of you to write this post and I am sure that it will be helpful to anyone reading who has found your post via that search term. Heads Together is such a great cause.

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  6. Hayley, I am in tears reading this. You are so brave to share, and so wonderful for raising awareness, and so strong for getting through this. But one thing you are not, is alone. Even when you feel like you are, you are never alone. There is always someone if you reach out. There's me for starters. Xxxx

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