Sunday, 9 February 2014

The Dark Days....

Sometimes it's difficult to keep on smiling and pretending everything is all ok.

This is definitely one of those times.

This week has been tough.

It's hard to narrow down the reasons and explain them in a way that will really do them justice.

When I try it all just jumbles together and ...well ... I guess they don't sound that bad.

Nobody died, there's nothing completely unfixable going on - things could be worse.

But that doesn't make them easy.

Sometimes its hard to keep soldiering on and remembering that things aren't that bad....sometimes it just feels like they really are.

My week started off with a nasty note left on our car windscreen, from someone who was annoyed at how we parked - we don't know why because we couldn't see a problem with it and the note was lacking in information. But what it lacked in detail it made up for in profanities and threats.

The note upset me, but it really upset Jon too -  he doesn't often get down but when he does he gets REALLY down, and he was that way for a few days after. 

Then there's the weather - it just hasn't stopped raining here for what feels like weeks now. It's always so grey. 

I'm not the most outdoorsy of people, but I really miss being outside right now - I miss the daylight. I've never understood Seasonal Affective Disorder but now I am starting to - things feel so much worse when your day is constantly dark and dank.

And then the roof started leaking - not just in one place, our spare room has been leaking since before Christmas and now the bathroom too.

We rent and our landlady doesn't want to fix the problems because she can't afford it - but we're threatened with eviction if we don't keep paying our rent regardless.

The estate agent came out about the problems this week - he was quite possibly the biggest moron I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

When I told him that it's infuriating paying £650 a month to live somewhere that we can't even bathe our child because there is water dripping on his head, he responded with (and I quote):

"It doesn't matter if water is dripping on his head, he's in the bath, he's wet anyway."

I it just me or is that not an utterly ridiculous statement for a supposed professional to make???????

This leaves me feeling backed into a corner, powerless, and down trodden.

It leaves us facing the prospect of having to move ... again.

We only moved here 6 months ago, we're only just getting things how we want them and I dread the thought of another move and all that upheaval.

I hate that Tyne recognises this place as home and now we will have to uproot him.

It makes me feel like a massive failure that I haven't put a permanent roof over his head because I don't own my own home yet.

And then there's my hobbies -  a complaint from a customer who thinks their craft isn't painted good enough.

A lack of opportunities offered on the blog, a quiet week when others around me are doing so well - seeing opportunities I would have loved and worked hard for all around me, with no option of them myself.

Feeling like I'm working really hard and never really getting anywhere.

They tell you to ask for help - but even when you do, it's not always there - I asked a Dr for help with the endless pain and lethargy I suffer with, and months later on there is still no diagnosis.

Panic attacks coming more and more often.

Feeling more and more isolated - hearing the phone beep and picking it up with a little feeling of hope, only to find that somebody just wants something from you - no real interest in you or your life.

It seems that friends are few at the moment. At least that's how it feels.

And so, with every new thing that happens, I can feel myself getting more and more down.

I feel at the moment like I've fallen down a steep staircase...and I'm trying to climb back up, but its slippy and I can't quite get a good grasp....and everytime I think I have, I slip back down again.

It's funny how these little things can all build up so much.

It's funny how they snowball and start to build up speed as more and more of them hit you.

I don't know if this is what depression feels like, but I know that I feel really really low right now.

I wish people would think more about how their actions can effect people.

I wonder if whoever left that note on our car a week ago knows that they ruined my entire week....

I wonder if that estate agent knows that his idiotic statements and inability to do his job properly has pushed me further down into a state of anxiety and panic.

I just wish people would think more.

And I wish I didn't care.

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