Sunday, 9 February 2014

The Dark Days....

Sometimes it's difficult to keep on smiling and pretending everything is all ok.

This is definitely one of those times.

This week has been tough.

It's hard to narrow down the reasons and explain them in a way that will really do them justice.

When I try it all just jumbles together and ...well ... I guess they don't sound that bad.

Nobody died, there's nothing completely unfixable going on - things could be worse.

But that doesn't make them easy.

Sometimes its hard to keep soldiering on and remembering that things aren't that bad....sometimes it just feels like they really are.

My week started off with a nasty note left on our car windscreen, from someone who was annoyed at how we parked - we don't know why because we couldn't see a problem with it and the note was lacking in information. But what it lacked in detail it made up for in profanities and threats.

The note upset me, but it really upset Jon too -  he doesn't often get down but when he does he gets REALLY down, and he was that way for a few days after. 

Then there's the weather - it just hasn't stopped raining here for what feels like weeks now. It's always so grey. 

I'm not the most outdoorsy of people, but I really miss being outside right now - I miss the daylight. I've never understood Seasonal Affective Disorder but now I am starting to - things feel so much worse when your day is constantly dark and dank.

And then the roof started leaking - not just in one place, our spare room has been leaking since before Christmas and now the bathroom too.

We rent and our landlady doesn't want to fix the problems because she can't afford it - but we're threatened with eviction if we don't keep paying our rent regardless.

The estate agent came out about the problems this week - he was quite possibly the biggest moron I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

When I told him that it's infuriating paying £650 a month to live somewhere that we can't even bathe our child because there is water dripping on his head, he responded with (and I quote):

"It doesn't matter if water is dripping on his head, he's in the bath, he's wet anyway."

I it just me or is that not an utterly ridiculous statement for a supposed professional to make???????

This leaves me feeling backed into a corner, powerless, and down trodden.

It leaves us facing the prospect of having to move ... again.

We only moved here 6 months ago, we're only just getting things how we want them and I dread the thought of another move and all that upheaval.

I hate that Tyne recognises this place as home and now we will have to uproot him.

It makes me feel like a massive failure that I haven't put a permanent roof over his head because I don't own my own home yet.

And then there's my hobbies -  a complaint from a customer who thinks their craft isn't painted good enough.

A lack of opportunities offered on the blog, a quiet week when others around me are doing so well - seeing opportunities I would have loved and worked hard for all around me, with no option of them myself.

Feeling like I'm working really hard and never really getting anywhere.

They tell you to ask for help - but even when you do, it's not always there - I asked a Dr for help with the endless pain and lethargy I suffer with, and months later on there is still no diagnosis.

Panic attacks coming more and more often.

Feeling more and more isolated - hearing the phone beep and picking it up with a little feeling of hope, only to find that somebody just wants something from you - no real interest in you or your life.

It seems that friends are few at the moment. At least that's how it feels.

And so, with every new thing that happens, I can feel myself getting more and more down.

I feel at the moment like I've fallen down a steep staircase...and I'm trying to climb back up, but its slippy and I can't quite get a good grasp....and everytime I think I have, I slip back down again.

It's funny how these little things can all build up so much.

It's funny how they snowball and start to build up speed as more and more of them hit you.

I don't know if this is what depression feels like, but I know that I feel really really low right now.

I wish people would think more about how their actions can effect people.

I wonder if whoever left that note on our car a week ago knows that they ruined my entire week....

I wonder if that estate agent knows that his idiotic statements and inability to do his job properly has pushed me further down into a state of anxiety and panic.

I just wish people would think more.

And I wish I didn't care.

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  1. Oh no :(

    I really hope things start getting better for you. I'd get on to the council if the landlady doesn't fix the roof, as I think environmental health or the housing department can get involved. I'd also make a complaint to the estate agents manager, that is the most ridiculous comment I've ever heard. Can they not force the repairs or negotiate with her saying that you'll do the repairs but not to expect any rent for 2 months?

    I really REALLY hope things pick up fpr you soon xx

  2. Sorry to hear you are feeling so down Hayley, life can seem so cruel sometimes lots of little things that we normally brush off can build up & seem unmanageable. I had a similar experience this time last year & finally after suffering for months went to a doctor who was lovely & although those dark days still plauge me every now & again I'm in a much better place now. Please go & speak to someone, don't feel like you are alone x

  3. :( Oh Hayley. Everyone has dark days, so you're not alone. Sometimes you can get a run of bad luck and it just feels like it's never ending. But it'll get better and you just need to remember all of the good things in your life. In regards to the roof, there absolutely must be someone you can raise this with. Even to start with, the estate agents manager? x

  4. Sounds like you've had a horrible week. Fingers crossed things get better for you. As for the house, go to the council and tell them what's happened as the fact she cannot afford to pay for the roof is not an excuse, Tyne shouldn't have to live like that and you certainty shouldn't have to pay full rent when you have leaks in places. im pretty sure in any contract you would have signed it will state that any damage like that has to be sorted by the land lady xx

  5. Oh love! I'm so sorry to read about you feeling this way. I really hope that it passes soon.

    In relation to your house, I'd pop into Citizen's Advice and see what they suggest? I'm sure there's s way that you can legally write to your landlady and tell her that you've organised repairs because she has refused, then withhold the money it costs from your rent. Seek advice though, there's no way you should be penalised for wanting to live in a home that doesn't leak! It's a disgrace!

    As for nasty note leaver, if they were too cowardly to leave you proper details they're too pathetic for you to waste time on.

    Just keep swimming my lovely!

    Kate xx
    Just Pirouette and Carry On...

  6. Im new to your blog. I know what you mean about the weather. We had a day this week where the sun came out it was still cold but I just had to get outside and see some blue sky. I agree with previous comment about citizen advice definitely have a chat with them. This missed opportunity you mentioned is there any way you could do them without being offered? Maybe even just to show case what you can do. I hope this week is better for you.

  7. the weather we have no control over the rest of it we do :-) the hayley i know will pick herself up dust herself down and start all over again leaks can be mended . the morons that left the note are illiterate cowards !! the 1 person that complained about her order out of hundreds of items sold is not even worth the mention so when you are feeling low just look at your perfect little boy and feel proud and when you look around and think others are getting further look a bit more and see that there are some that would love to be even half as successful as you so tomorro get on to the c/a and the idiot estate agent and do your stuff GO HAYLEY xxxxx

  8. Sorry to hear your feeling like this Hayley! But like the other comments said, you're not alone :) it's unfortunate you have had all these things happen in a short space of time.
    I shocked at your land lady's response, it is her responsibility to get things sorted! I recommend getting some advice about it but also second not paying full rent, when the property is in this condition. I cannot believe that estate agent either, I have no words!
    I hope it all gets sorted quickly and you feel better lovely xx

  9. I hope the sun come out soon. I hate times like this. As for friends I completely relate. I now class people I've never met to be better friends than those I classed my real life best friends. chin up. xxxxxx

  10. Sending big hugs and sunshine, the estate agent is bang out of order with his comment!! Do you not have tenants rights? But then it's finding the strength to fight the whole lot of them. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I know how hard a bad week can hit you and knock you off kilter. I hope this week is brighter.
    Love The Gothic Mummy


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