Friday, 11 April 2014

Sex After Children....When Is The Right Time?

So you've just had your first baby.

The birth part is over, and now it's time to settle in to your new life as a parent.

You've read all the books, you've quizzed your Mummy're armed with knowledge and ready to conquer this Motherhood thing.

You battle through the feeding, the 2 hourly wakes in the night, the struggle as exhaustion takes over.

You fight your way through the suddenly endless mountain of laundry, the dirty nappies, the panic you now feel all the time as you constantly check the monitor convinced you heard a murmur from the nursery.....

Sex is probably the last thing on your list right now.

But when does that stop? When does sex become a priority again?

It seems that this is something that very few people want to seems almost silently expected that we will all just carry on as before with no questions asked, no concerns....just jump back in the saddle (so to speak!)

But what if it's not that easy?

And is it always that easy for everyone?

This is something that I wondered about myself.

As I've mentioned on my blog previously, I had a c-section birth with my son.

I had an absolutely wonderful birth experience and I wouldn't change it, but I was of course left with a rather large and tender scar.

The hospital didn't give me any advice on when would be the right time to be intimate again....but then in all honesty it wouldn't have mattered, as sex was just about the furthest thing from my mind.

I was sore from the surgery, I was lactating, I was bleeding heavily....I felt the least attractive I had ever felt (And as somebody who spent the majority of my pregnancy covered in hives with vomit down my top most of the time, that is really saying something!)

There was also a tiny new person in our lives....and in our bedroom....and I personally found that nothing kills any mood that may have arisen as fast as a crying infant does.

We were waking up every 2 hours for about the first 3 months, and we were both shattered.

Any time the baby was sleeping, all we wanted to do was sleep too.

As time went on, the night time routine got more settled.

We found our groove.

The parent thing became easier....much easier.

And suddenly I started to realise how long it had been since there'd been any bedroom activity.

But I simply never felt "In the mood".

I had gained so much weight after the birth, I had a scar now, my body was different....I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise myself.

The c section had left me with a hanging tummy, and my breasts had lost all former glory as they sagged and looked deflated.

Then there was the fact that our son was still in our bedroom. I'm quite an anxious parent and my son didn't move into his room at the recommended 6 months old....he stayed there until his 1st birthday.

His presence in our bedroom meant that I was never comfortable with anything happening in there.

So what's a girl to do?! 

Luckily for me my partner never put any pressure on me....he gave me "The moves" a few times and was rebuffed, but he took it well and never made me feel bad.

But I wonder how it felt for him? 

Of course, the longer these things go on for....the more of an issue they become in your mind.

I spoke to some friends about it and it seemed they had all got back into the swing of things within a matter of weeks after having their what's wrong with me?!

Tyne recently turned one, and things have now started to return to some normality ... certainly helped by him now being in his own room I'm sure.

But how unusual is a year-long dry spell after having a baby?

Am I alone in this experience? Or is everybody else just lying?!

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  1. Great post! I really admire your honesty, I really think more people should be more open about this. There is no right and wrong, just what's best for you!

  2. Your not alone at all. In all honesty 3 years later I still never managed to get into 'into the grove of it'. Not for any particular reason other than feeling my body had changed, and I needed to feel myself in my own skin again before anything like that...Great post lovely and very honest :) xx

  3. Your are not alone Hun, I often wonder this too. I think everyone is super different but I don't think it's something you need to rush into if you don't feel comfortable. Your partner is so done who will understand and that is one of the best things about being with the person you love, you have a wonderful bundle to enjoy and if it takes a little longer than you thought to get back into the swing of things then hell' just enjoy that sleep your getting! I know I am ;) x

  4. Aww Hayley you're totally not alone! I was a lot younger when I had Stacey so not much changed. But since having Oscar I'm constantly exhausted, my back is twice as bad as it was before and I can hardly ever be bothered. It's a shame really as I feel like I'm pushing Nathan away but I can't help it. The kids come first for me every time x

  5. It took me a good long while to not only 'have' sex with my partner after having Annabelle, but it took forever and a day for me to be distracted enough to ignore the 'baby in the room' to reconnect with my partner too. He had/has this ability to phase everything else out, whereas I was always conscious about the little one not 4ft away sleeping soundly in her cot. xx

  6. I don't think you're alone at all, so many of us change after pregnancies and although some may look the same, we've still took a tumble either down below or on our belly! Again another good point is the whole baby being in the bedroom thing, you wouldn't have sex with a child in the bedroom so why would you a baby? Spud was premature so my main priority was just to concentrate on him, I lost all my mojo and forgotten what sex was, I had no lust or desire for it as I did have prior to pregnancy. In time the love mojo soon returned as did my hormones back to a normal level. When you're ready, you're ready, every one is different so please don't compare yourself xxx

  7. Definitely don't think you're alone on this one and well done for talking about it!

    I personally waited until I had healed and then I felt comfortable, it just wasn't practical before that. I didn't ever feel like I had lost my mojo luckily, it was just a case of needed to feel physically better for me :)

    Great post! xx

  8. Great post I think it took us a few months to get back into the swing of things. Its one of those very personal things and I think everyone's situation is different . I wouldn't worry about how long other people took to get back into the swing . Thanks for sharing :-)

  9. Great post Hayley, this is a subject that every couple deal with after having a baby and I think everyone's experience is different, we waited around 6 months after having Riley but I felt ready much sooner after having Summer so I think it depends on the birth. Thanks for sharing your experience :) xxx

  10. Such a great honest post. Abby is now 15 months old and I'm still yet to feel "in the mood"! Having children definitely takes away from the relationship but luckily we have good men that understand. To be honest I think my other half is just as tired as I am!

  11. After having both my girls the last thing I thought about was having sex again. Especially with Sophia as I was breastfeeding so at the time I didn't really feel too comfortable to get intimate straight away! And feeling constantly tired all I wanted to do was sleep. I think women put too much pressure on themselves. As long as you've got a supportive partner that puts no pressure on you that's great xxx

  12. Fab post and not something I've had to think about but I can totally see why you wouldn't be in the mood... half of what you said I had never even thought about xx


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