Tuesday, 10 June 2014

How it feels to hate yourself....(And What I'm Wearing To Britmums Live!)

So the time is almost upon us.....next weekend is finally time for me to head off to the bright lights of London for the BritMums Live 2014 conference.

And so, I finally had to decide once and for all what to wear for the big event.

This has taken me far longer than it should have done.

I love clothes, everyone who knows me will attest to the fact that my wardrobe is ridiculously full and that I never stop buying more stuff....but despite that, I had NOTHING TO WEAR!!!!!

I have made absolutely no secret of the fact that I am struggling with some unsolved medical issues at the moment which have resulted in me piling on stones and stones in weight and being unable to shift it, which has left me extremely depressed, anxious in public and very very VERY unhappy with my appearance.

I hear people complain often about their Mum Tums....I see people who still wear size 8's and 10's in clothes complain about how they've gained weight and can't lose their saggy bellies and while I do sympathise (I totally appreciate that it's a big deal to THEM and different to how they were before....everybody has their own struggles)  I can't quite get across in words how absolutely soul destroying it is to watch yourself gain over 5 stone in weight in the space of a year and be powerless to change it no matter what diet, healthy eating approach or exercise regime you try......and have Doctors simply not seem to care.

It's not just a case of not being happy coz my tummy is bigger than it was before. This is a serious, shocking amount of weight to gain. I've gone from being a size 8 to a size 18 despite the fact that no eating habits or lifestyle habits have changed at all.

It's difficult. Very difficult.

But anyway....I digress.

My point is....for the last year or so, I have absolutely hated even having to nip to the supermarket for fear of being judged on my weight and have struggled every day to decide what to wear to somehow feel I look relatively ok-ish.

And so the task of choosing outfits to wear for a massive event where I will be meeting people I admire and hope to be liked and respected by has been both hellish and daunting.

I kid you not. Many times I have thrown clothes around the room in frustration screaming that I'm just not going because I look horrific in everything I try on.

I want to hide every part of me, everything has to pass the mental checklist....arms covered? Legs covered? How pregnant do I look?!

My biggest fear is being asked if I'm expecting, because I look like I am. And despite sending me for scans to find stomach masses they claim to be able to feel, Drs don't know why that is. Today I saw an old friend in town and I couldn't get away from him fast enough incase he asked me that dreaded question.

But now the time for umm-ing and ahh-ing has ended. 

So I had to make the best of it, choose what I thought was the most acceptable, and hope for the best.

I'd love to say that these outfit choices make me feel really good and I'm excited about wearing them but I'd just be lying.

Nothing feels good on me anymore. I never feel happy with my reflection. Ever.

But these were the pick of the bunch....the ones I felt the least horrible in, I suppose.

And so this is what I'm wearing!

Hopefully I'll muster some fake confidence from somewhere (A wine bottle, hopefully!) and nobody will know how self conscious I`m feeling....we'll see!

Anyway....please forgive my rambling....and let's just get on with the photos, shall we?!

I know from reading other bloggers reports from last year that there is no time for nipping back to the hotel and changing on the Friday for the awards, and that flat comfortable shoes are a must in the daytime.

I have tried to keep these things in mind when making my choices!

My Daytime Outfits

On Friday I will be travelling about 3 hours from Devon to London, and probably won't have time to change so I need something smart but comfortable.

I have decided on trusty black leggings, paired with a longline neon green & black floral top, black pumps and a black blazer.

The white bag will be accompanying me and will contain a dress and heels to change into quickly in the toilets for the awards in the night time.....but more on that later.

My Saturday daytime outfit will star this lovely kimono from New Look....I will be pairing it with another longline top (pink this time), and jeggings....probably acid wash or white ones but I haven't 100% decided which yet. I'll be opting for sandals with this outfit.

My Friday Evening Outfit.

As I've just mentioned, I'll be nipping to the loo and swapping my blazer and top for this dress with my leggings, and switching from flats to black heels.

It should only take 2 minutes, but I will need someone to zip it up for me so if you spot me in the toilets looking frantic please give me a hand?!!!!

Saturday Evening

I know Britmums is technically over by then,  but I'm hoping to have a fun evening with some blogger friends - the plan is to head to Pizza Express with some lovely blogger girls I am so looking forward to meeting...including lovely Jade, Amy, Debs, Emma & Gemma and hopefully Alex & Jada too....and of course my gorgeous roomies Emma & Emily!!

So I needed something nice but comfortable to wear.....I decided to just re-wear the Kaftan style top I wore last time I went out in London, because it was bloody comfy!!!

I'd love to know what you'll be wearing to Britmums Live if you're going, and if you have body confidence issues like me and you have any tips for just getting through life and events such as these....please let me know!

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