Friday, 18 July 2014

Mummy Madness...

They say you know that you're going mad when you start to hear voices in your head....

Lately I'm wondering if this applies when the voices are singing?

There's seldom a moment that passes when my head isn't filled with super-happy voices singing one of the following lines....

"We're gonna clean our teeth with a brusha-brusha-brusha....and a dab a dab of toothpaste, don't wanna rusha rusha"

"Scratch my head, tap my toe....Questions! Questions! Questions everywhere"

"Bing bong bing, bing bang bang bingly bongly boo" (<<<My favourite)

If you can tell me where those songs are from, and possibly recite the next line for me, then I will assume are parent to a small child who is in full control of the TV remote.

It makes me despair a little that my Ipod, which was once quite a source of pride for me....filled with some true musical greats, now immediately throws up it's most played tunes when I switch it on....and those tunes are no longer The Smiths or Regina Spektor....they are "What does the fox say?" and anything by Nick Jr's Perky pop horrors Go! Go! Go!

Another source of alarm for me is the amount of genuine hatred I feel for animated characters.

Can this really be normal?!

I could quite happily obliterate Peppa Pig....

Sometimes I watch her, as she continuously mocks her obviously diabetic fathers weight problem and throws her snotty little insults at poor long-suffering Suzie Sheep (WHY ARE THEY STILL FRIENDS?!), and imagine her between two slices of bread covered in ketchup.

Ben & Holly leaves me with slightly fewer murderous thoughts, but Nanny Plum's grating voice is genuinely the stuff of nightmares at 7 am on a Saturday morning.

You are probably thinking "You daft cow, why don't you just turn the TV over then?! Or better still... just switch it off!"

Well yes I could do that, couldn't I....

If I had the energy to entertain a toddler with the attention span of a goldfish who seem's to be able to rifle his way through all 7,000,000 books and 48.4 million toys in the living room within the space of 5 minutes before he is bored of them and looking for other things to entertain him.....(Usually things that can be torn apart and destroyed....I used to have a lovely fabric Owl doorstop...until I found it gutted in the chubby hands of my child, with its stuffing falling from his mouth...)

There are occasions that he allows me to turn off the TV and we attempt to read stories, but even that has started to send me slightly bonkers...

You see....he remembers exactly what I do the first time I read a book. Any voices I use, any animals I point out and make a sound for...he remembers it.

And I HAVE to do it every single time I read the story from then on.

So it's not enough to just read the book....each book is like a 10 page memory test, with a toddler jabbing his finger at a picture of a deer and demanding "AAAAH!!!"....which translates into "Go on then, make the noise you always make on this part!" while I try desperately to remember what noise I last used for a deer (WTF noise does a deer make anyway?! ANYBODY?!)

Then there are those who will tell me I need to get out of the house more, but surely these trips just hold more ways in which to lose my marbles?

Toddler groups are more than I can take...More perky people singing nursery rhymes as though they are actually enjoying them, while an army of wild toddlers on biscuit highs tear-arse around the room and their mothers try to ignore them by making inane conversation about Eastenders and trying to one-up each other on how many words their children can say in Japanese....

Then there are parks and soft play centres, which are basically like the Hunger Games for children....

No...I'll stay at home and face my CBeebies demons...

There are biscuits here.

(They're under the couch and covered in dust bunnies, but if they're good enough for the toddler who am I to argue?!....)

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