Monday, 2 February 2015

The Ghost Girl

This is a poem I wrote, when I was 13.

It's very "emo"...I'm sure you'll agree.

Surprisingly though, I wasn't a particularly "emo" type person....I was quite a bubbly person.

 I've always been the girly girl...always the boyband fan...always going to concerts or to the cinema to watch the latest movie...always trying to keep up with the fashion trends, collecting handbags, buying new lipsticks in wacky colours...

I wrote that poem from my painted-entirely-in-hot-pink-with-heart-shaped-stencils-on-the-walls bedroom...I'd have been watching my Take That Live video on my little pink TV/DVD combo at the time....I'd probably have been wearing a Fred Perry tennis dress and would have had my hair loose with one little plait at the side just like Angel wore in Home & Away....

To look at me and to know me, you'd have thought I was a perfectly happy and perfectly normal teenaged girl.

Bubbly...Happy Go Lucky...Shy yes, but not unhappy.

And that was true...most of the time.

But when Monday Mornings rolled around and it was time to put on my uniform and go to school, I felt my whole mood and my whole personality change...

I wasn't one of the "cool crowd" - I didn't smoke and drink in the evenings like the cool girls did....I didn't swear all the time, and I certainly hadn't "necked" any boys....

I wasn't one of the popular girls - I wasn't allowed to use Sun-In in my hair or have gold sovereign rings and earrings, and I wasn't confident enough to flirt with the boys like they did...

I wasn't one of the down and outs either....I was always one of the top few kids in the class when it came to grades so teachers liked me, I listened and paid attention in class, I would never have done anything a bit naughty or got into any trouble...

I wore nice, smart, clean clothes and was always perfectly groomed so I didn't fit in to the "outcast" group either....(You might think thats a good thing but there's safety in numbers when it comes to high school and ANY group would have been preferable to me!)

The truth is...I didn't fit in anywhere.

I was just me....On my own. 

And I hated it.

I always felt nervous....I always felt alone and self conscious.

I spent my mornings worrying about who I'd sit with at lunch time, and I spent my afternoons watching the clock tick away and praying that my Dad would be there on time to pick me up incase anybody tried to pick on me outside school....

All of those feelings are reflected there in that poem....I was the ghost girl. 

Nobody saw me, nobody noticed me....nobody really ever knew me....I had a lot of interests, I had a lot of opinions, I even had some talents...but nobody knew. Because it's like I wasn't there.

The ghost girl.

I've never been so happy about anything ending as I was when the final day of high school eventually rolled around.

I'd love to say that I never looked back and I never felt that way.

But I'd just be lying.

The truth is...those feelings impacted on me, massively.

They've never truly gone away.

When I think back to how I felt in high school, it still makes me cry.

High school has so much to answer for.

Throughout various jobs, college courses and points in my life....I've felt like that same awkward 13 year old is still there within me....she's still screaming and fighting to be heard, but never quite getting her voice across.

I thought I'd found solace in my blog.

Writing has been my release ever since childhood - from writing stories from my imagination at 5, to writing emotional poems to pour my feelings and hurt into as a teeanger - it's always been my solution.

And when I started writing this blog, I found that comfort again - but what was so amazing and uplifting this time was that there was a voice coming back to me - unlike the stories on my typewriter and the poems in my journal, people were out there reading these blog entries and I started to feel a connection with people. 

And I loved that.

And I still do....but lately it's lost its shine a little.

I feel like something has changed, there's been a shift that I can't quite put my finger on.

My passion to write is still fact I'm putting more time and effort in to my writing now than I ever have before and I'm enjoying that.

But those voices that were coming back to me seem quieter now...and I'm struggling to hear them.

I feel like that girl again.

I have a million things I want to say, I have talents I want to share, I have interests and quirks and parts of me that I want to express - but it all feels stuck.

I'm not one of the cool crowd - my blog isn't particularly quirky or unusual, there's nothing ground breaking or out of the ordinary to be found here.

I'm not one of the popular girls - I don't have the perfect white smile, the perfect white living room, I'm not the kind of person who wants to gush about how happy we are or how perfect life is, it's not in my nature to be that way.

And just like in high school - I can't fake it. I can't make myself be somebody I'm not.

But it's happening all over again.

I don't fit in anywhere.

You wouldn't know it to look at me or to read this blog....

You'd see a perfectly normal, perfectly happy, mummy blogger.

Bubbly...Happy Go Lucky...Shy yes, but not unhappy.

But I'm not....Deep down inside, I'm her again.

The Ghost Girl.

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  1. Great post. I completely invested how you feel too, I'm the same sort of person. And by the way, i love your blog. Take care.xx

  2. Oh Hayley, this makes me sad to read. I didn't know that about your younger days. And I didn't know that's how you felt now about blogging.. You seem so popular in the blogging community! I don't think of you as a ghost girl at all, but obviously I'm not you and can't change the way you think about yourself. The way I look at life is.. you just have to do what make you happy. Who cares about crowds?.. Speak to who makes you happy, blog about what makes you happy. Don't try and make anyone else happy, except you and your family. That's what makes someone 'cool'. xx

  3. This must have been a tough post to write. It's funny isn't it how we portray ourselves to the outside world can be at complete odds to how we feel inside. Our experiences (then and now) are not that different. The world and the blog world is full of people who are loud, confident, popular but perhaps we would be surprised at how many of those feel exactly like us...

    1. It was but it was therapeutic too. You're probably absolutely right, we never really know how other people are feeling xx

  4. When I read this I felt as though you could have been writing about me! I'm sorry you feel your blog has lost it's shine a little, and that those negative feelings are creeping back again. It's so hard to let go of the past, particularly experiences and feelings that have impacted on you so deeply. Try not to let it take over and stop you from being who you are, who you want to be. So many people enjoy your blog and appreciate you for who you are. I hope you find this is something that passes, and your 'shine' returns soon x

    1. I'm sorry to hear that you have had similar feelings too Kathryn. It is very hard to let go! Thank you for your kind words :) x

  5. I have been reading your blog since last 2 years.. And I LOVE your blog because it is so honest.
    I like how you share your life and insecurities on your blog,it's a brave thing to do!
    Somedays all of us feel like " ghost girl" but we are too afraid to say that.
    You give hope to others by letting them know they are not the only ones who feel this way.
    Your blog will never lose its shine,it brings smile on people's faces and assures them that they are not alone in their struggles.
    Lots of Love to you <3

    1. Your comment means a lot to me, more than I can express! Thank you so very much for taking the time to leave it JJ, it has really perked me up today :) xx

  6. A very brave post to write Hayley. I'm sure many people will have had similar experiences in life, I know I have! I'm glad you were able to share this so others will know that they are not alone.
    Thanks for linking up with #SundayStars xxx


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