Monday, 2 March 2015

I HATE pregnancy...and that doesn't make me ungrateful!

There....I said it.

This is something that's been playing on my mind for the last 7 months....and played on my mind for the whole 9 months that I carried Tyne.

I HATE being pregnant.


There's no aspect of actually being pregnant that I enjoy, apart from the very end result of actually being rewarded with a baby.

The problem is....I always end up feeling guilty when I admit that's how I feel.

As though it somehow makes me a bad mother or a bad person.

As though my dislike of the pregnancy itself somehow insinuates a dislike for the baby I'm growing.

Well let me just clarify - that is not the case at all.

I LOVE being a mummy, I love my son very much and I can't wait for his baby brother to be born.

Infact it can't come soon enough for me!

I'm so looking forward to having a newborn again, and so excited about watching another lovely little boy grow up.

But does that mean I have to enjoy the experience of growing a human? doesn't.

My hatred of pregnancy is also not disrespectful to women who are unable to carry children, or women who tragically lose babies - I have every sympathy for those women and I AM very grateful to be able to have children - my lack of enjoyment of being pregnant doesn't take away from that.

But sometimes, feeling this way about pregnancy makes me feel very much like the odd one fact more than that, it makes me feel like a bit of a freak!

All I see is pregnant women talking about how wonderful the experience is, how they love feeling every movement from their unborn baby, how they adore being pregnant....

All I can think is....I want some of whatever they're taking!! 

Whatever this magical pregnancy hormone is that makes women enjoy this experience is clearly not something my body is producing!

Pregnancy for me is horrific.

During both pregnancies so far, I have spent the entire first trimester and most of the second trimester suffering from hypermesis gravidarum.

This is not just "Morning sickness" - this is constant, all day long sickness which can last from a few weeks to the entire length of your pregnancy.

I have been fortunate in that mine didn't last for the entire time - it eased away at 28 weeks with Tyne, and thankfully with this pregnancy it eased away at 17 weeks.

But it is a LONG TIME to spend feeling constantly sick to the pit of your stomach, with every scent and everything that passes your lips inducing more nausea - with constant throwing up from the moment you wake up right through the night. 

With bouts of vomiting so sudden and violent that you fear going out in public incase you don't make it to a bathroom in time.

Following on from the stage of the hyperemesis eventually passing, I have been hopeful each time that perhaps I would be fortunate from there on in and be able to "enjoy" the remainder of my pregnancy like other women do.

But no such luck.

When I enter the third trimester, on both occasions I have been hit by gallstones - it is BEYOND COMPREHENSION how painful gallstone attacks can be - people liken the pain to suffering a heart attack and say that it is worse than labour -  once again I spend my days unable to eat anything, throwing up and suffering from awful diarrhea. 

With Tyne, this lasted until just after his birth - and with this baby it's been even more complicated as I seem to have developed numerous food intolerances and Drs can't decide if my problem is gallstones or celiac disease - I haven't had a single day in the past month that I haven't spent at least part of throwing up, having diarrhea or feeling too ill to get out of bed. The list of foods I can eat is dwindling by the day as I have developed intolerances to wheat, barley, rye and lactose. I'm also having to remain on a low fat diet incase it is actually my gallbladder causing the issues.

And so perhaps now it's becoming more clear why I hate pregnancy so much -  for some women, women like me, it is 9 months of constant vomiting, illness, pain and upset.

Then there's all the worrying - I am anxious person anyway and my anxiety becomes much worse during pregnancy - throw into the mix all of the illness and I spend my time constantly worrying about what effect all of this is having on the poor baby.

So no...I do NOT love pregnancy.

I do not love any of the accompanying side effects of pregnancy - the insanely itchy nipples that crack until they bleed, the hemorrhoids, the inability to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, the need for someone else to tie my shoe laces, the clumps of hair falling out....I don't even enjoy feeling the movements because 9 times out of 10 I find them REALLY painful.

So please don't judge me or other women like me ... pregnancy is not always such a magical experience, even when the baby is very much wanted and loved.

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