Monday, 16 March 2015

I'm Not OK

Please excuse the change in vibe for this post....

I guess when you're nearing the end of a pregnancy, it's not really the done thing to admit that things are less than perfect...

I'm very much the kind of person who likes to pretend as much as possible that all is well, even when it's not.

I don't like people to know when I'm struggling...I like to paint a happy face on and pretend all's well for as long as possible....usually until it's SO not ok that I can't fake it anymore through sheer exhaustion, and then I crumble spectacularly and end up having screaming panic attacks, deleting social media accounts, and trying to remove myself from the big bad world as much as I possibly can.

The thing is...pregnancy isn't a massive cure-all for every negative emotion. In fact it probably makes a lot of them a bit worse.

On top of feeling whatever way you're feeling, you also end up feeling guilty for daring to feel're pregnant after all! You should be happy! You should be excited! 

Should be....should be...should be...

Well what if I'm not?

What if I'm struggling?

Anxiety doesn't disappear suddenly because there's a baby in your womb.

If anything it spends 9 months building up and up....especially when your anxiety is like mine and is centered around death, and health and all the nasty things that you can't control in life...

I spend 9 months having my ears perk up every time I hear a mention of someone dying in childbirth, or a baby dying at full term....and every time I hear one of those stories, my brain stores it away ready to throw it back out at me at some inopportune moment...usually at around 4 am when nobody else is awake and it can thoroughly consume me.

As I've discussed many times before on of my biggest anxiety triggers is child birth....the thought of natural labour sends me into panic, and is the reason I waited until I was 30 before even thinking about ever having a baby. 

So today, when after weeks of chasing I was FINALLY given my c-section date....only to find that its a whole 24 hours before my due date...I was hit by massive panic again.

I'd been told it would be done at 39 weeks...but oh no. According to the very unhelpful midwife on the end of the phone, there's no "obstetric reason" to do it early.

No there's not an obstetric reason....

The reason is that from now, for the next 23 days, I will have MULTIPLE panic attacks every single day....I won't sleep properly....I won't eat properly...I won't function properly....I'll be depressed...and I will be a nervous wreck....because I'll be constantly worried about going into labour early, and what will happen if I do, and if I'll die and if the baby will die.

And these midwives and anybody else can try to tell me all day long all about how unlikely that is and how irrational it is...but it doesn't matter.

To my overactive brain...the words mean nothing and they will do nothing to stop the fear and the panic.

And so the last 9 months that I've spent trying to reassure myself that it will be ok, because I'll have a c section at 39 weeks and it will go smoothly like last time and nobody will die....have been undone in the space of a 2 minute phonecall with someone who couldn't care less.

So no...there's no obstetric reason.

But there is a mental health which will see me on the edge every single day for the next 3 which will leave me unable to function properly for the next 3 weeks...which is unhealthy for me. Which is unhealthy for this baby. Which is unhealthy for my existing son.

And those 3 weeks of extreme anxiety and stress, on top of god knows what might actually occur with regards to birth, are surely far more likely to leave me with post natal depression than if I wasn't experiencing this....but that doesn't matter....because that's not an "Obstetric reason".

On top of this....I'm worried about having a second baby. I'm worried about managing my time. I'm worried about managing my finances. I'm worried about how Tyne will adapt. I'm worried about how I will adapt.

I'm worried because I'm self employed and instead of being able to wind down my work load in the last few weeks before the birth, I'm having to increase it because I need the money...and instead of being able to plan time off after the birth, I'm worried because I know I won't be able to do that.

I'm worried because it's already hard with just one child.

Is it ok to even admit that?

Tyne is's not his fault...but it's hard to manage a house and a full time job and a toddler...and I feel like nobody really understands that just because my job is from home, it is actually a full time job...infact it's more than that, I spend WAY more than 40 hours a week working....just because it's done from home doesn't make it any less work or any easier.

I honestly couldn't tell you when the last time I had a day out without Tyne was....and that sounds awful, coz why should I want one?

But its his birthday soon and I need to sort out presents without him with us....there's a baby coming and I need to buy things without him with us...and sometimes I just think it would be nice to have an afternoon out with Jon, just us to have some chill out time.

My parents are visiting right now, and they looked after Tyne today...but I have so much work to catch up on and so much housework that needs to be done, that the day is spent catching up and then its over. There's no time for relaxation or fun.

I feel very isolated right now.

I feel like nobody understands.

I don't have many friends, and I'm really not the kind of person who finds it easy to reach out and ask for help....but sometimes even when I try to do that it just makes me feel all the more lonely...

I've been worrying and crying about this c section thing all day, but there is really nobody to talk to about it when other people (at least those I know) don't have these anxieties and don't understand how all-consuming it is to me.

There are so many other things going on in the back ground that I'm already depressed about....things I can't even talk about because I'm TOO depressed about them and I KNOW that other people just won't understand.

So like I said...please excuse the change in tempo for this post...I'll have my All's Fine Smile plastered back on soon and we can all pretend that everything is perfect again....but for tonight, I haven't got the energy.

Sometimes it's not all ok at all.

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