Wednesday, 11 November 2015

I'm Not Brave

Those that follow this blog or know me will know that I recently announced my third pregnancy.

They'll also know that this pregnancy was a big surprise - to me more than anybody!

I fell pregnant following a course of antibiotics very much accidentally when my son was just weeks old - meaning that there is only going to be a 10.5 month age gap between the babies.

This is a pretty unusual situation, I'm very aware of fact it made me quite nervous to announce the pregnancy. I had a real fear of negativity about it - after experiencing some very negative and hurtful comments from medical staff very early on in the pregnancy I was pretty stung and I expected more of the same once the news was out.

I don't really know why I care so much what people think about me or my life, but I just do - I've always been that way.

Once I did announce the news, I was pleasantly surprised by the reactions of those around me - I didn't face any of the negativity I expected, infact everyone was overwhelmingly lovely and positive about the news and I heard so many lovely uplifting stories about life with children so close together, which was really wonderful and exactly what I needed!

So this post isn't meant as a whingefest at all - and it's certainly not aimed at anybody in particular - but there's just this one thing I keep hearing ever since announcing the news.

The one main thing that people seem to comment is "Wow! You're brave!".

Sometimes I get "You must be mad/crazy/high!" too ... but mostly it's the comments about being brave.

I TOTALLY get that they're well's meant as a compliment, and people just need a way to acknowledge the surprise factor and how close together the two are...I know that NOBODY has said it with any malice at all.

But if I'm totally honest? And it's probably just my irrational pregnancy hormones talking here...but sometimes it's bloody annoying!

The thing is...I'm not brave at all.

I'm really bloody nervous about the whole thing actually.

I have NO idea how or if it's all going to work out - I only know that it kind of has to! We'll make it work because what other option do we have? The baby is coming and that's really all there is to it - so we can sit and cry in the corner and wallow in anxiety and fear about it - or we can just buck up and get on with it and make the best of it!

We found ourselves in a situation. An unplanned situation.

I don't want to say unwanted because that's not how it feels now and I'm well aware that we're very fortunate to be in a position where pregnancies occur without a struggle when so many are left trying for years without success - but back when I first found out, there were definitely lots of tears and lots of panic and lots of doubt.

But the situation was what it was. It was there. It was happening. 

And we had two options.

We all know what those two options are - we could either continue with the pregnancy or not continue with the pregnancy.

And while I would never judge anyone for any decision they make, for me personally - not continuing the pregnancy didn't feel like an option for us. 

And so...there we were. 

And here we are.

There's a baby coming.

And we choose to be excited about that, and happy, and we very much look forward to meeting it and extending our little family unit.

But that doesn't make me brave - it's just what's necessary and what's happening.

Sometimes all these brave comments make me feel like a bit of a fraud when inside I'm still very full of worry.

And they make me there something to be so scared of? Why else would I be labelled as "Brave"? Maybe I should be fearing this more! Everyone is making out they would be!

Who knows.

All I know is that I'm just dealing with the situation we're in.

It's not how we planned it, but that doesn't make it a bad thing or any less exciting.

It just is what it is.

So thank you so much for being happy and excited for us, I appreciate it very much - but please, don't tell me I'm makes me feel anything but.

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