Friday, 13 May 2016

The Anxiety Diaries : Stop The World, I Want To Get Off

Do you ever feel like the world is a fairground ride that's going too fast for you? 

That you just want it all to slow down so that you can catch a breath and maybe enjoy it more?

I remember when I was a child, about 9 or 10 years old, I went on a ride at the fairground.

It was one of those Viking ships that swing up really high and back down again - the kind that makes you feel as though your stomach is left behind up at the top as it sends you swinging back down to earth again.

Up it went...up and down,  up and down,  up and down... and I enjoyed it at first. I loved the feeling of exhilaration as the swing reached its highest point - letting me see out for miles.

And I loved that nervous excited feeling in my tummy as it swung back down again...the wind whooshing in my ears and the world around me becoming a blur of noise and colour and chaos.

But then my aunt who I was riding with told me that the swing was going to go upside down in a moment...and all of a sudden I felt panic.

I didn't want to go upside down - I didn't feel ready for it, I didn't feel safe and I just wanted to get off.

I started to cry and my mum, who was watching the ride from the sidelines, saw my facial expression change from one of joy and excitement to one of fear. 

She ran over to the ride operator and insisted he stopped the ride so that I could get off. 

I was so relieved.

The way I feel about life right now reminds me so much of the way I felt on the ride that day - that same though the ride is going too fast.

I feel as though I'm on the lowest point of the swing, waiting to be taken back up to that highest point again where I can see everything around me clearly.

Because there is too much colour, noise and chaos where I am at the lowest point and it's clouding my judgement and stopping me from seeing things clearly.

And I feel as though the ride is about to go upside down - And I don't feel ready for it, I don't feel safe, I don't feel prepared and I want to get off.

But this time there is no ride operator, there's nobody that can stop the ride for me.

So instead it keeps on going... and I'm screaming and screaming for it to slow down,  for somebody to help me.

But I don't know if anybody can.

Maybe only I can ... but I don't know how.

I don't know how to slow it down. I don't know how to catch my breath and enjoy the ride again. I don't when or why it stopped being fun and started to be scary.

I just know that I'm not enjoying it.

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