Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Why Don't I Fit In?

Do you ever feel as though you don't quite fit in?

I do.

And really, I guess I always have.

I've spoken plenty of times before about my experiences of bullying throughout school and I do worry a bit about sounding like a broken record by going on about these things, but the thing is - it's something that plays on my mind a lot.

I feel as though I'm replaying the same experience over and over and over again.

The places are different, the people are different, I'm older every time...but still, the experience never changes.

Primary school, secondary school, college, various workplaces over the years...always the same old story.

I'll have a couple of casual friends - people I get on with, people I chat to - but those people you see with big groups of super close friends? The ones who have funny nicknames for each other, in-jokes and treat each others parents like their own?  - I'm never one of those people.

I watch those people with envy, always wondering why I can never seem to make those sorts of connections  -  I can make small talk and chit chat,  have occasional get togethers and swap occasional texts with people but yet somehow I can never quite take a friendship any deeper than that.

All of my life, I've never had a BEST friend.

TV shows like Friends and Sex & The City drive home the message that close friendship groups are the norm - especially for women, and I'd be lying if I said that sort of life long friendship wasn't something I craved.

I've never been anybodys bridesmaid. Never been a godmother to anyones child (other than my sisters).

And deep down, I know I never will be any of those things.

Because although my Facebook list contains 300+ names, and my phone book almost as many - I'm nobodys closest friend. I'm not the person anyone thinks of for those types of honours.

And scrolling through my social media accounts, seeing all the women I know being bridesmaid for their just drives home the reminder that I don't have that.

This deep rooted feeling of loneliness and desire to belong has followed me throughout my life and even now as a blogger, it's still here.

I see groups of bloggers who've formed deep and meaningful friendships with each other...something that goes beyond the occasional facebook message - people who go on holiday together, stay at each others houses, tag each other in their blog posts, perform bridesmaid duties at each others weddings, start blog projects together.

And sure I have plenty of bloggers that I chat to often, plenty of people who tweet me or comment on my posts, plenty of blogging friends that I speak to on Facebook regularly- some who I get on really well with in fact, who are probably the closest friends I have (Fiona, Alex, Karen, Becky, Liza, Kerry and others too... I'm not disregarding your friendships at all!).

But do I have a clique? A hard and fast Girl Gang to run blog projects with, go to Center Parcs with?...Nope.

Am I the person that anybody is actively looking for at blogging events? Nope.

It feels very much like it always did for me - I've always been someone people will chat to and be friendly with, but I'm not in anybodys inner circle.

And maybe that's fine...maybe that's just who I am...but I can't help but wonder what it must be like, to be on the inside like that.

I wonder how much of this is my own doing - I've always felt as though I don't really cut the mustard in so many ways, that people can't possibly be interested in getting to know me because I'm just not cool like they are - I'm not thin and pretty like they are - I'm not funny like they are.

My funny blogs aren't funny enough to be friends with all of the hilarious bloggers I admire so much,  and my deeper posts aren't deep enough to be in with the super deep serious writers I'm in awe of. I'm not good enough at videos or thin and pretty enough to be in with the vlogging crowd,. I'm not good enough at photography to be in with the edgy Insta-photo crowd (and certainly not well dressed enough and my house is not clean enough!). I'm not edgy enough. I'm not Pinteresty enough.....I always feel as though I'm just NOT ENOUGH.

And I wonder if because of that I send out a vibe, a "Don't bother with this one" sort of vibe.

I wonder if my mental health posts and openness about anxiety make me come across like a bore...I'm not I swear, I'm actually quite funny if I do say so myself !

The truth is I don't know where I really fit.

And if I still don't know who I really am at 35, is it any wonder I've struggled to connect with people?

Sometimes I think my mind still thinks we're at school - I find myself admiring certain bloggers from a distance, thinking "I like her. She's my kind of person. I think I'd get on really well with her"...but somehow I lack the social ability to make that happen.

Because the thing is....How are you supposed to make friends as a grown up?! What's the etiquette for that?!

To be perfectly honest I feel like a right frigging weirdo for even writing this down...It's just not the done thing to admit that you're a bit of a Billy No Mates is it?!

But it is what it is. And to be honest, a Billy No Mates is exactly what I feel like I am!

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