Monday, 30 October 2017

I'm Still Proud....

My Biggest Boy,

It's been a few weeks now since you started "big boy school" for the first time...for those first few weeks you would cling to my leg each morning, with big heavy tears rolling down your face.

While the other children ran around the playground, you'd refuse my gentle suggestions that you might like to go and join them...preferring to stay close to me until the very last second.

And when the time came and the teacher rang the school bell to let us know it was time for you to go and line up with the rest of your class, you'd let out a big "Ohhhhh" and the sobbing would really start...

"No Mummy, I don't want to go! I want to stay with you!" you'd cry out as I gently led you over to the line and tried to peel you off me, trying to comfort you but also be a little bit stern to...worried that the teachers and the other parents would think I was encouraging you or making it worse.

I'd scan the line to check if any of the other children were crying too, and I'd feel strangely comforted to see one other little boy and a little girl with tears on their tiny little faces too....looking over to their parents for reassurance as they waited in line.

And then your teacher would take your hand, without so much as a glance in my direction,  and lead you off into class. And you'd always look back over your shoulder and leave me with the sight of you in tears as you walked away...the image that stuck in my mind until 3.30 every day.

I remember coming home week and looking to my social media timeline, seeing other parents talk about having the same school drop off experiences...and again, I'd feel comforted somehow.

I knew it wasn't unusual, I knew that it was just one of those things...and I felt confident that with a little bit of time, you'd get there.

Now, 6 weeks later...the morning routine looks the same for us.

We stand in the playground, you cling to my leg, there are tears, there's that same look back over the shoulder as the teacher leads you away.

Every morning you cry and beg me not to make you go to school.

You tell me that you hate it, that you'll miss me, that you just want to stay at home.

But now...when I look along the line at the other children....there are no other tears.

When I collect you at the end of the day, the other mums say "Oh you're the mum of the little boy who cries aren't you?"

And when I look at my social media timeline, all I see are parents declaring how well their little one is doing with much they love it, how they run in to the playground without so much as a backwards glance, how they want to go there every day...How very proud of their child they are for that.

And of course those parents have every right to be proud of their little ones...I'm not trying to take anything away from them.

But here's the thing....I'm still proud of you.

Yes you still cry going in each morning, yes you'd rather be at home...and no you're not settled.

But you try. I know that you try.

I can see trying to swallow the tears, I can see you trying to be the bravest you can be.

And every day when you come out of school without a tear in sight, I can see that you've given it your very best shot.

I'm proud of you for trying...I'm proud of you for being you. Tears or no tears. Settled or not settled.

It's NOT that unusual, it IS just one of those things, and you WILL get there...I'm sure of it.

And until then, we'll just keep taking it one day at a time.

I'm not "the mum of the little boy who cries"...I'm the mum of the little boy who tries.

 And I'm very proud of him.

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