Getting divorced is a hard time for everyone involved, and having to explain the situation to your children can be the most difficult part. Here are some tips to do just that
When you decide to divorce your
partner, you can have as many reasons as you want, but you need to know how to
explain it to your children.
Being honest with your child by
reassuring them that even though things will change, they’ll be okay, is the
main sentiment you need to express. If you find it hard to do this alone, you
can always request the help of family mediators to talk you through the process.
In this post, we’re going to share some
tips on how to break the news of divorce to your children. Then, we’ll
give you some extra special advice on how to break it to children with special
needs.
Tips on Breaking the News
of Divorce to Your Children
Parents will always go into these
conversations with the best intentions. That said, if you don’t approach it the
right way, you could make the kids more upset about the divorce than
they need to be. Here are some tips to help you take the right approach:
1. Do it together
It’s not fair on either parent to allow
one of you to do all the hard work. It’s also not fair on your children who
will want to hear from both parents why the marriage is ending.
Whatever issues the two of you still
have, you did one thing right by bringing a child into this world and they
deserve to hear the truth from both of you. You don’t have to get too heavy
into the reasons, just explain that you tried your best but things didn’t work
out.
2. Plan ahead
You could go into this divorce
conversation blind, but it’s probably better for both of you to have some
pre-prepared answers for any questions your children might have. ‘Where will we
live?’, ‘Will we still be able to see both of you’, and any other questions you
think they might ask should be discussed beforehand.
Getting your story straight is also a
good idea because your child will likely remember this day for a long time. Having
a consistent message from the two of you will help them come to terms with it.
3. Tell all your children at the same time
If you think telling your older
children first because you’ll know they’ll take it better is a good idea, you
might need to change tact. Having this conversation together as a family will allow them to lean on each other
instead of dealing with the pain alone.
It’s also not fair to have one child
know all about the divorce whilst their siblings are having fun and have
no idea what’s actually happening.
4. Tell the children at home
Don’t break this news to your child in
a public place or try to take them somewhere they enjoy to make the news of your
divorce easier on them. All that’s going to do is have them associate
something they enjoy with one of the most difficult days of their life.
Tell your children at home where they
feel safe, where they can openly express their emotions, and where you can
console them together.
5. Be honest
Be honest with your children; don’t
tell them things they want to hear just to make the conversation easier. If you
feel yourself lying to them for expediency, it will only hurt them more in the
long term when they realise you weren’t truly honest with them.
You can be reassuring without making
false promises that you can’t keep. Your children might be more upset now, but
the honesty will help them get through this divorce easier than if they
are strung along.
6. Expect bad reactions and be prepared
Children can react in all sorts of ways
to the news of divorce, and you need to be prepared. Your children might:
·
Briefly cry but then act as if they
didn’t hear it, hoping it will somehow sort itself out.
·
Keep changing the subject so they don’t
have to face it.
·
Refuse to listen to what you’re saying
altogether.
·
Cry for days.
·
Show no emotion whatsoever and bury the
feelings.
You need to be prepared for all of
these reactions and make sure they listen to what you have to say, comprehend
it, and are ready for the future. Being clear about the divorce now will give
them a solid foundation to grieve upon, and an understanding of the outcomes.
How to Break the Divorce
News to a Child with Disabilities?
Now that we have some general tips on
how to approach divorce with your children, it’s only fair that we
discuss how to approach it with children who have special needs. Some tips include:
Understand your child’s specific needs
As the child’s parent, you understand
your child’s condition better than anyone else, and know how they process
personal and emotional information. You watched them grow and helped them
develop their independence up until this point.
The way your child deals with the divorce
is different across disabilities, but also within the same disability. No one
child with Down syndrome will act the exact same way as another, so it’s up to
you to devise the best way to break the divorce to your child.
Think about how they handle life and
their condition already, how they might react to the information, and plan
ahead for it.
Some general tips on how to approach the conversation
Depending on the specific disability
your child faces, they might not comprehend the social intentions of what
you’re saying. So, it’s crucial you handle the divorce in a way that
doesn’t appear like you’re blaming them. Some important tips for this scenario
are:
·
Be open to their questions, and answer
carefully
·
Make sure they express their feelings
and don’t internalise them
·
Make sure they know they are loved and
cared for
·
Tell your children together if possible
Are You Ready to Break
Your Divorce to Your Children?
In this post, we’ve managed to cover
some top tips for explaining divorce to your children, with special
attention to those with disabilities. Hopefully the advice we’ve shared here is
useful, and you are prepared for one of the toughest, and most important,
conversations of your life.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider following me on Bloglovin'
