Sparkles & Stretchmarks: A UK Parenting & Pregnancy Blog: A Personal Post: Gender Disappointment

Thursday, 29 August 2013

A Personal Post: Gender Disappointment



EDIT: To read my thoughts 1 year on please click HERE

This is a topic I've wanted to blog about for a while now - infact it's a topic that I've just wanted to talk about for a while.

But something has always stopped me.

I have always had a niggling feeling, warning me that these kinds of things are not discussed for a reason....but I feel that it's something I need to get off my chest, and I wonder how many people out there may - at some point - find themselves with feelings similar to my own, who this post may just be able to help.

So I have decided to talk about it - but I hope that I do not offend anybody in doing so. Please remember that these are my thoughts and feelings, and I am not sharing them lightly.....

I am very aware that most people will read this and be completely unable to relate to it - and I'm pleased about that! I wouldn't want people to share my feelings because this was not an enjoyable experience.

I am also aware that most people who read this will immediately think me shallow or think that I should be grateful to have been able to carry a healthy baby because so many people are unable to - believe me, I was and am very grateful as I had a difficult TTC journey myself.

When you are pregnant, it goes without saying that the main concern that you have is for your baby - your only true want is that the baby is healthy.

I understand this completely.

And so, when you are asked - as all expectant mothers inevitably are - "Would you prefer a boy or a girl?" you are supposed to answer "I don't mind, as long as its healthy".

Of course this is the answer that I always gave too - in fact in the beginning, I believed that to be true myself.

I remember from the moment I found out that I was pregnant, I was SO consumed with wondering what sex the baby would be - I was always doing all kinds of silly old-wives tale tests - I peed into cups of bicarbonate of soda to see if it fizzed up, I dangled dowsers over my bump, I looked for veins in my eyeballs - I was forever googling "Ways to determine babies gender" and trying out everything I could find!

I even considered buying a home gender test kit from ebay - though my partner talked me out of that one!

When I got to around 14 weeks, the waiting was too much and I started looking into early private scans - I found a local BabyBond scanning centre who would do a gender scan at 16 weeks.

It cost £80.00 and after chatting with my mum about it, she offered to pay some of the cost and so my mind was made up - we booked it and I was so excited for the day to come!

At 16 weeks and 5 days, I went along with Jon to the scan centre.

I laid on the bed, and I listened as the lady told us what they were looking out for - 3 little lines that look like a hamburger for a girl (her words, not mine!) or ....actually I can't even remember how she described what we were looking for if it was a boy because I wasn't expecting to need to recall....

Let me explain a little more - on my side of the family, everybody has girls. My sister has two girls. I am one of two girls. I have 20 cousins on my Mums side of the family - and only 7 of them are boys. Of the 9 children that my cousins collectively have, only ONE of them is a boy.

The last boy on my side of the family is my now 29 year old cousin, Peter.

And so, in my mind and in the mind of my family, there wasn't really much doubt that I would be having another girl - as everybody had been telling me throughout the pregnancy "Our family don't carry boys" - it just doesn't happen, at least not very often at all.

And so - back to the day of the scan - there I laid, looking at the amazing 3D images of my baby - amazed at how clear it was, excited at what I was seeing - and then the lady said she was about to zoom in on the "parts" we were curious about.

Everything looked so blurry to me, I couldn't make anything out....

Then Jon spoke.
He said "I think I just saw dangly bits!"

My stomach did a little flip, and I felt myself suddenly become angry with him - I had to stop myself from shouting at him to shut up incase he influenced the sonographers train of thought.

But then she spoke - "Yep, I can see them too".

Jon & the sonographer kept talking about what they could see, as she happily snapped away taking photos of my baby proudly displaying these "dangly bits" for all to see.

I remember that I kept laughing along with them, but I felt so confused - nobody had yet actually said the words to confirm it - everything felt bizzare and dreamlike.

Then the sonographer typed three words onto the screen, to be printed on an image she had just taken - "I'm....A.....Boy".

The rest of the session is all a bit of a blur, but I clearly remember asking her "How sure are you? Percentage wise I mean?"
When the words "Oh, 100%!" came out of her mouth was when I first felt my throat start to sting.

When she reached for a coloured BabyBond bag to put our scan images in, and said "You're Team Blue....here you go!" and handed the blue bag to me I felt the tears start to come - I looked over at the bags and stared at the pink ones. I should be taking one of those bags. There MUST be some mistake.

Our family don't carry boys.

We walked out to the car, I thanked the receptionist, I smiled at the people in the waiting room so excited to go in and take their turn - I tried to look how I SHOULD be feeling - happy and excited.

I got into the car and listened to Jon excitedly chatting away - saying things like "See! I KNEW it was a boy! I told you, didn't I?!" - talking about how happy he was, and how he couldn't wait to tell everybody.

We hadn't got very far - only about five minutes down the road - when I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I started to cry. And I mean PROPERLY sob.

I was sobbing so much that I couldn't even speak. All I could think was "Oh my god, its a BOY."

Jon didn't really know what to say or do  - we were on our way to meet my family at my sisters house, to announce the news to them.

The journey took around half an hour - I told myself it was just a shock, I hadn't expected it - I'd be fine by the time we got there.

When we pulled into my sisters estate I was still sobbing.
I just couldn't stop.

I told Jon to pull up and give me five minutes to get myself together.
He asked me why I was so upset - it all came spilling out of me.

Words I felt SO guilty about saying but that I couldn't help but feel .... "I don't want a boy....I've never wanted a boy...."

After a while, I managed to calm myself down and we headed off to my sisters house.

They were all waiting in the living room, excited to hear our news - I decided to make it easier on myself by having my five year old niece announce it for me - I whispered to her "its a boy" and she announced it to the room.

There were gasps. My sister thought I was bluffing  - "NO! Really its a boy? SERIOUSLY, its a BOY?!" she said.
I smiled and listened to them all talk about how exciting it was.

My sister complained at it being unfair that I got to have the first boy. My mum talked about all the girls in our family who had been so desperate to have boys and how jealous they would all be.

I nodded along but all I could think about was how unfair it was - so many people in my family who WANTED to have a boy, yet me....the girliest person I know.....I'm the one who gets one.
I cried all the way home.

All the while feeling guilty about how I felt, wanting it to stop - but not being able to help it.

I refused to talk to Jon that night about the baby. He was excited and he wanted to chat about names and what he might be like, but I couldn't - all I could think about was all the things I had looked forward to about being a mummy - and every single one of them related to having a daughter.

I wanted to take my child to ballet. I wanted to go out and buy pretty dresses. I wanted to give her my old dolls. I wanted to take her to brownies. I wanted to go and buy a sea of pretty pink things.

Pink had always been my favourite colour - everybody I know would always comment on how much I loved pink - my bedrooms had always been pink. My nickname was "Barbie". I have always been the ultimate girly-girl.

I have no interest in anything boyish at all. I hate the outdoors. I hate sports. I hate insects and bugs. I hate mess.

I had a million girls names picked out. I didn't like one single boys name.



The more people found out about the gender, the worse it made me feel - they all kept telling me how great boys are - saying things like "Oh boys are so much more fun! Girls never want to get dirty, boys get stuck right in!" - Great, I'd think to myself, exactly what I want to hear.

I'd see things everywhere that just seemed to rub salt in the wound - I was looking around online for nursery art and I came across a poster for a girls room - "Sugar and Spice and all things nice, that's what little girls are made of".
And so I finished it off in my head...."Slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails, that's what little boys are made of".
Even old fashioned rhymes told me that having a boy would be a mucky job.

I worried for days and days about how I felt, I couldn't feel any excitement - I just felt so so sad.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me - Ok, it was a shock. I hadn't expected to have a boy. But I was having a healthy lovely little baby - I should still be excited!!! Why wasn't I feeling excited? What was wrong with me?! Where was my maternal instinct? Surely it should have kicked in by now, surely that unconditional love you hear about all the time should have taken over and stopped me from feeling sad about something as superficial as the babies gender.

But it didn't.

Then one day, my friend text me - she was pregnant too. Today was her scan day. I opened the message, excited to see what she was having -  and there the words were before me on the screen - "Its a girl!"

And then the tears came again. And they didn't stop.

I was so jealous.

Jon lost his patience with me - telling me I should be happy that our baby was healthy and if I had only ever wanted a girl, I shouldn't have taken the chance on having a baby at all as it was always a 50/50 chance of having a boy.

I'd tried to talk to other people too but nobody understood - everybody thought I was being shallow or childish. Nobody seemed to understand that I couldn't help how I was feeling - I certainly didn't want to feel that way - I wanted to feel happy and excited.

Jon went out in a bad mood - and I went online, desperate to find some way to help myself and to stop myself from feeling so sad and lost.

I felt so sorry for this poor little baby inside me, I wanted to feel happy about his gender but I just couldn't make it happen.

I googled "Disappointed after gender scan" - not really knowing what I'd find.

I was surprised to see hundreds of articles appear, with titles such as "How to handle Gender Disappointment"....

Just seeing those words made me feel a little better.
There was a term for what I was feeling.

Then I discovered a forum dedicated solely to gender disappointment.
I read through the posts, and suddenly felt so much relief - knowing that I wasn't the only one, that other people felt the same way I did was so reassuring.

Then I read something that really helped me to acknowledge the problem and move on.
I read an article which stated that gender disappointment is not so much that you are not happy with what you have, but rather that you are grieving for something that you thought you had but don't.
I'm not sure if that sounds stupid now, but it made so much sense to me at the time....

I was pregnant and hormonal, and feeling so emotional - and to me at that time, I felt that the past 17 weeks of thinking about the baby growing inside of me and imaging it to be a little baby girl had all been for nothing.
I felt as though that baby that I had thought about - the little girl who would grow up to be my friend, who I would have hours of fun dressing up in frilly pink outfits- I felt like she'd been taken away from me.

I couldn't even think about the baby boy that was actually there - all I could think about was the baby girl who WASN'T.

The one I had always assumed, ever since childhood, that I would have.

I was very much a child that played for years with dolls and I can tell you - in every single one of those games I played over the years, never once did I play Mummy to a baby boy - every single time my dollies were my baby girls!

Once I had read that article and taken on board its advice to allow myself a bit of time to feel sad about the baby that I wasn't going to have - I suddenly started to feel a lot better.

Throughout the pregnancy I still worried about how I would manage a boy, considering that I had no experience of being around one at all.

And certain people even made me feel quite down about it sometimes - there were some people around me who KNEW I would have wanted a girl, and seemed to enjoy making constant comments about how horrible boys are and how glad they were that they'd always had girls.....

I found people's attitudes to boys on the whole to be unhelpful. I always seemed to be hearing comments about how dirty boys are, "smelly boys", etc etc.

I heard a lot of talk of how girls were what women always want to have because they grow up to become your friend.

But the more time went on, the more I realised that these are just generalisations.

I know plenty of girls who gave their mothers very hard times - I know plenty of girls who were anything but friends with their mothers!

I also know plenty of little girls who are a FAR cry from the stereotypical "little Princess" - who are just as "gross and smelly" as boys, are not the "pink and dainty" kind I imagine at all - so who's to say that even had I had a girl, she would have been the little girly girl I imagined?

But on the whole, I forgot about my initial feelings of disappointment and I just started to feel excited. At last!!!!



Now Tyne, my beautiful son, is almost 5 months old.

I still feel SO guilty about how I felt when I found out that he was a boy.

When I fill in his baby record books and I come to questions like "How we felt when we found out you were a boy...." I feel so angry with myself for ever feeling the way that I did.

I have cried thinking about the time I said that I didn't want a boy, and how I wished he had been a girl....
I think I'll always feel guilty about it.

But I can honestly say that since he was born I have never ever wished that he was anything other than him.

Of course I am now glad that I didn't get the girl I thought I wanted, because if I had - the baby wouldn't have been my perfect Tyne and I would NEVER want anything else.

Having Tyne has completely changed my feelings about gender - infact if I was to have another baby, I actually think I'd prefer to have a boy because I have loved having a baby son so much that I now realise that another would be an absolute blessing - of course a daughter would be too, but I think once you've had a baby its natural to feel an affinity with the gender you first have.

Of course I know that some people reading this will think me shallow for ever feeling upset and having such a strong gender preference, and there will be people who find it angering and feel that I should have been grateful to have been having a healthy baby when so many people are unable to...

I know some people will find it completely impossible to relate to because they genuinely never had any pre-conceptions or preference, and that's good for them - I wish NOBODY ever felt the way I did, because I can assure you that there was nothing pleasant about it and if I could have clicked my fingers and snapped myself out of it, I would have.

It's very difficult to explain these feelings to people who have never experienced them. I don't know if I'd understand it myself if it hadn't happened to me.

I always did feel happy to be having a baby, and grateful that it was a healthy one - but I simply couldn't help my feelings. I can only liken it to a kind of depression. It was consuming for a while, and I felt completely unable to lift myself out of it - no matter how much I tried to tell myself how I SHOULD be feeling.

The only way to deal with it in the end was to allow myself to have the feelings, to acknowledge them and then move on.

Have you or anybody you know ever experienced similar feelings? Or do you find this subject impossible to understand? As always, I'd love to hear from you.


49 comments:

  1. I think you're really brave for writing this post. I will admit, at first I thought you were being really shallow and over dramatic, but what you said towards the middle made a lot of sense. It's so sad that your disappointment came because you were mourning you girl you believed you were having. Thinking about it, it must have felt quite horrible.

    Although I'm not ready for children yet, I'd always imagined myself having a little girl - maybe because somewhere I believe that I'd be better at being a mum if my child was a girl. So I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd spent a long time getting my hopes up.

    On the flip side though, I know people who when they were pregnant were praying for what sex NOT to have.

    I'm so glad that it hasn't stopped you having a lovely relationship with your little boy. It was super brave of you to admit this, thank you for sharing!

    Lx

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    1. Aw thank you so much. I really appreciate your feedback, as I was SO worried about publishing this post and offending anybody.
      xxx

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  2. Hello,
    I just found your blog and the first post that I read is indeed a challenging one.
    I am a psychologist but I would love it if I would not sound one now that I decided on commenting.

    First of all I think you should blog about whatever you feel like expressing. When I posted about how I look after 7 months of giving birth I read that some people are going to have bad feelings because I am back to my pre-pregnancy feelings. Well, if others chose to feel mad or sad because of what YOU feel - it is not your problem. Just as I cannot do anything about those who want to hate me because I am not overweight.

    Mothers have fantasies about their unborn children. Fathers too. This is more than normal. I would say the opposite is abnormal when someone is nine months pregnant and has zero thoughts and feelings about the baby.

    Some fantasize about the gender, other fantasize about the looks of the baby or the character of the child.

    These fantasies weaken as you get closer to actually giving birth. So you are giving your baby a chance to start out with a "clean paper". Of course this is not always the case and the more the baby is not like your fantasy the bigger the disappointment.

    I think you handled your grief in a very healthy way.

    And now you must see this... (it is my post from yesterday - you will smile I am sure)

    http://kukolina.wordpress.com/2013/08/28/how-to-dress-boys-men-of-the-future/

    xoxo, Eszter

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    1. Thank you so much for your reply Eszter, that is a really interesting insight!
      I'll be sure to check out your post :)
      xxx

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  3. I think I would of been the same if I had a girl. My husbands side is all boys so it was assumed I was having a boy. I did but I'm not sure how I would of felt if it was a girl. I have a mummies boy and love him for that. We all have feelings for a reason. Don't be ashamed. You had them, dealt with them and am now a loving mother.

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    1. Thank you Susan, I really appreciate your comment :) xx

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  4. Aww my friend did the same when she found out her second was a boy (she already has one girl) but like to as soon as he was born she wouldn't change him for anything! Like you, I only have girls, I'm one of four girls and all my nieces are girls, I always knew I would get the boy though :) although I've never been around baby boys I can't wait! He just needs to get a move on! :)

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    1. Aww its funny how it all turns around when they're born. I just hope that is the case for everybody!
      Aww I'm sure your little guy will be here very soon! :D
      xxx

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  5. So proud of you for posting this!

    We didn't find out the sex of our baby but I have always wanted a baby girl like you, It's all I dreamed about and I already pictured what she looked like etc, I'm such a girlie girl!

    For this reason so I wasn't disappointed, I persuaded myself it was going to be a boy so I could have the 9 months to get my head around it, we named him Lucas and when I was 6/7 months I used to talk to him and call him Lucas and rub my tummy! Everyone else thought it was a boy as well except for my mum!

    But in the back of my mind, I knew it could still be a girl and I was so excited for that. I was clinging on to that hope! When she was born and they said it was a girl, I burst into tears and I as SO ecstatic, I couldn't believe it, I blurted the name out I had chose without even asking my OH! I just named her haha!

    I know if it had been a boy, there definitely would have been twang of disappointment and I don't think I would have cried happy tears at all. However, now we have Sienna we want the next one to be a boy so i guess it wasn't because i didn't want a boy, I just wanted my girl guaranteed first! haha!

    Sorry for the long reply!

    http://livedwithlove.com

    Kerry X

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    1. Thank you so much Kerry :) I can't even describe how nervous I was about posting this!!!

      I think you're right, I think if I'd had a boy second time around it wouldn't have been the same feeling! I'm glad you didn't have to go through it in the end :)

      xxx

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  6. Awww Hayley *hugs* - I'm sorry you went through that by yourself, you should have spoken to us (BB) about how you felt!!! I certainly wouldn't have judged you in anyway.

    Gender was a big thing for me too. I was so nervous about finding out what sex Beau was.....because if she was a boy, I knew I would have been so unhappy. It sounds awful, but I just didn't want a boy.

    I think its completely natural for most women to want girls and do feel disappointed when they are told the news about baby being a boy. Most would be lying if they told you otherwise. I also think men always want boys. Adam wanted a boy and still mentions it now ''IF we have a boy, what will you call him'' - he says that all the time. My response is always ''we aren't having another'' lol. But I never thought about how Adam felt....I don't know whether he was disappointed. He's never spoke about it. I don't know whether it is as such a big deal to men as it is to women?

    My mum for example. At this point she already had four girls and one boy. But when she found out the sex of Reuben, she cried. She didn't tell me this though, her husband did. I think she felt embarrassed that she felt that way.

    So I don't think we ever 'get over' the sex obsession.

    Lauren
    mrshippoandme.blogspot.co.uk

    xxx

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    1. I know - I did have some private messages going on with Brittany because she found out she was having a boy around the same time so I thought she might be able to relate to how I was feeling. But I felt too ashamed to admit it on the forum!
      I didn't post anything after my first gender scan for a few days though, I remember every time I went on to tell you girls the news I got too upset and couldn't post it!

      It makes me feel a lot better to know that other people have similar feelings. I'm sure if you had been having a boy you'd have ended up feeling differently like I did, but that initial feeling of disappointment and disbelief is so horrible.

      At least I feel like I won't go through it again now though! If I was to have a girl then great, but now I actually love the idea of more boys coz I know how lovely it is now - but at the time having NO experience of it whatsoever, I couldn't begin to imagine it :/

      xxx

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  7. I completely relate to this post.

    When I was pregnant with Morgan we didn't find out the sex and all the way along everyone told me I was having a girl. My sisters only had boys and I just thought it would be me who had the girls.

    After a long labour Morgan was born and I can't forget that shock of disappointment. I was ashamed for a long time on how I felt. It seemed the feeling lasted momentary though as he had difficultly breathing and was rushed off for air, this must have jolted any disappointment away because I was scared out of my skin. When I finally got to hold him I remembered being amazed by this little boy.
    Again when I was pregnancy with the twins i was sure one must be a girl but again I was blessed with two more little monkeys. I wasn't disappointed that time though I kinda expected them to be boys.
    Then came Abby's pregnancy and I was sure it was a boy! When we found out she was in fact a girl it felt hard to believe even though we had a 3d scan! AND I felt a little disappointed I wasn't getting a boy, I knew what to expect with them!
    My Mum has 8 Grandsons! and just Abby as a granddaughter.

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story Amy, it makes me feel a lot better to know that other people have experienced this too.
      Wow 8 grandsons!!! Abby must be very spoiled by the grandparents lol xxx

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    2. She's only got my Mum on my side but I think she's most spoiled by her brothers and cousins! They love her so much, she going to have a hard time as a teen to get a boyfriend they'll be very protective of her lol.

      Don't feel alone though for a long time I thought I was a bad Mummy for feeling it! Even though it was gone as quickly as it came!
      xxx

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  8. What a great, honest post! I really admire you for writing this Hayley, it must have been hard. I know someone who had the kind of feelings that you've spoken about and it made her depressed during pregnancy and led to post natal depression in both of her pregnancies, like you she found the best way to deal with it was to acknowledge the feelings, allow herself to feel them and then she could move on. Well done for talking about this, I'm sure there'll be lots of women who find this post really helpful :) xxxx

    Emma
    Handbags To Change Bags - Mummy & Lifestyle Blog

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    1. Aww thank you so much Emma, I really appreciate your support. How awful that it ended in post natal depression for your friend. I'm glad she found a way to move on too.
      xxx

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  9. Unbelievably brave to write this. For every person who doesn't mind which gender they get, I imagine there are two more who are secretly desperate for one or the other but, like you mentioned, are so afraid of it being too taboo a subject that they say nothing. Xx

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    1. Thank you so much Sarah - I cancelled this post going live twice coz I was too scared of offending people!! xx

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  10. interestingly we both initially wanted a boy but were sure she would be a girl. when the 20week scan confirmed our suspicions we realised we were actually really excited to have a girl. just goes to show that sometimes yourwishes change. xx

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  11. Blame Jon, it's the men's bits that determine gender! ;) Seriously, that must have been a shock if there are so many girls in your family and you set yourself up for your baby being a girl. I thought I was carrying a girl until about a week before my scan when I thought it was a boy. I never had a preference but thought I would be better with a girl because I'm a girl, now I can't imagine ever having anything other than sons!xx

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    1. Ha! I blamed Jon for somehow influencing the scan - as though him stating he thought he saw dangly bits made them actually appear! lol.
      Its funny how it changes, I can't imagine myself with a girl now either - but before he was here I just could NOT imagine having a boy at all!
      xxx

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  12. I am so glad (and very proud) that you posted this piece even though I have no child of my own, I know what sex I want my first one to be xx

    Lots of Love Beautyqueenuk!

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  13. I admire your courage and frank honesty, Hayley!

    X

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  14. i always imagined i'd have two daughters, i couldn't picture myself with sons. so when i was pregnant with my first, up until the 20 week anomolie scan, i convinced myself i was having a boy. we asked at the scan if the sonographer could tell the sex & when she said she thought we were having a girl, i was over the moon - more than i admitted for a long time. the same thing happened with my second, 17 months later.

    i know i would have been disappointed for a short while if we'd been told that (especially my first) was a boy, not because i thought i wouldn't love a boy as much, but because i just felt i was meant to have girls.

    i'm sorry you went through that - i know so many people who have suffered from gender disappointment & i was worried i would too.

    xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot. I'm glad you didn't have to experience it in the end.

      xxx

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  15. Oh my goodness. This very nearly made me cry. But not because I think you're horrible or anything crazy like that. It's just that, um, I kind of wanted Oscar to be a girl to begin with :(

    I knew before we had the 2nd scan that he was going to be a boy but kept on telling myself that there was a chance she'd say that he was a girl. Nothing prepared me for the grief I felt when she uttered the words "You're having a boy" though. I cried and cried and cried. Nathan thought it was because I was so happy and I didn't tell him otherwise.

    It took me a good few weeks to get over the upset. I put a brave face on and told everyone that I was excited to be having a boy. One of each. How lovely. It didn't feel lovely though. It did feel like I'd 'lost' a baby. I remember writing down how I felt so I could shove it in Nathan's face once our little boy arrived and I totally convinced myself that I wouldn't love him. Jeez Louise!

    Luckily I woke up one morning, felt the little man move and, for the first time in a long while, felt happy.

    Now I know that having a son is amazing and I wouldn't change him for the world.

    I'm so glad you posted this as I'm sure there will be thousands of other women in the same position - it's just a very difficult thing to admit as, like you say, people just go on about how happy you should be to have a healthy baby.

    Big hugs.

    Lou xxx

    Confessions of a Secret Shopper

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    1. Oh Lou, I had no idea you had been so upset by it too. I knew you may have had a slight leaning toward a girl coz we discussed it briefly but I didn't know you had felt so similar to the way I felt.

      I'm glad we both came out the other side and wouldn't change our little monkeys for anything, but the experience of feeling that way was pretty horrific wasn't it :/

      xxx

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  16. I have to say I've just read this and know exactly what you have been through! Well done for being open and honest and bringing a subject that seems taboo out in the open! I have two boys and love them with all my heart. They are my world and always will be, but I've spent the last 5 years coming to terms with the fact I'll most certainly never have a daughter and like you say, I think I've grieved for what I don't have as opposed to not being happy with what I do have. Most importantly though, I've felt immensely guilty for feeling the way I do and never brave enough to put my thoughts out there (until now)!!! Well done you and welcome to the madness that is raising boys! They are fab creatures, who love their mummy's. I'm so pleased I have read this. Thank you x

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment Jo, I appreciate it more than you know. I ummed and ahhed over posting this for so long, and kept cancelling it before it went live - I was so afraid that nobody would understand and everybody would think me shallow and unfeeling.
      To know that posting it has been good for somebody to read and relate to makes me feel so happy that I finally did it! :)
      I'm so sorry that you have experienced this awful feeling of guilt for the way you feel too - and it is so true, it's not about your lovely boys but just about the feeling of missing out on a daughter.
      Thank you for the welcome into boy-mummyhood! :)

      xxx

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  17. I don't think you're shallow at all. You are very brave for writing this post but it's good to get the feelings out. From as soon as i found out we were pregnant i wanted a boy, no idea why i just did. When we went for the scan a week later i was disappointed that it was a girl. For week i sulked and couldn't imagine having a little girl, i wanted a mummy's boy. Of course i came round and now i have a beautiful little girl and i wouldn't change it for the world. I always feel guilty knowing that i wanted a boy and not a girl.

    xx

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    Replies
    1. Aww I'm sorry that you went through that too Kerry, but I'm glad that - like me - you wouldn't change it now. I guess everything happens for a reason! xx

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  18. Wow what a great post!! I too have these feeling although I'm only 9 weeks into my pregnancy. I posted a group thread on a mums and pregnancy forum and I was attacked by mums saying I was ungrateful and offensive to those who have suffered miscarriage and children with disabilities. I know that I was only expressing my own feelings

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  19. As I said on Twitter you shouldn't feel guilty at all. I totally understand what you are trying to say. I think you were sad for the girl you weren't having not for the boy you were. It's a hard thing to try and explain to other people. xx

    Alex
    www.Bump-to-Baby.com
    UK based Lifestyle & Parenting Blog

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  20. i think i am pretty much similar with my view about genders, nice to know im not alone)

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  21. I think loads of expectant parents really want a boy/girl but most are too worried about the response they would get to admit it. you are very brave for sharing your experience. hopefully it will help others going through the same emotions.

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  22. so glad you posted this as I'm sure there will be thousands of other women in the same position

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  23. I wanted a boy when I first fell pregnant but when I found out I was having a girl I was still happy, but I can understand why some people feel a little sad, but I imagine sometimes that you are so emotional when your pregnant things may come across 10 times worse then they are

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  24. Not being able to have children,I can't really relate to this post,but I think I'd be ectastic whether it was a boy or girl

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  25. You are very brave! I can imagine the shock, my family only have boys normally - right up 'til my generation then I came along followed by my sister and 2 cousins. Then my parents went on to have 3 boys and order was restored (according to the family). When I had my first I was told it was bound to be a boy...she wasn't but I had generally decided on boys names rather than girls! I have had 3 girls but only one boy.

    I never felt the emotions to the extent you did but I can understand them and thank you for writing this.

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  26. You are so brave writing this post and it is exactly how I felt like when I had my son, I could have written it myself. I was sure I was having a girl and I really wanted a girl and when I was told it would be a boy I mourned my little girl.

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  27. I can honestly say that I didn't mind when I found out my little one was a boy, but then again I wasn't the one carrying! My wife was a little quiet afterwards and I never really thought about it too much, but after reading this perhaps she felt the same. I'm sure now though she wouldn't have him any other way :)

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  28. Can't imagine how hard it must have been for you, especially when it's not something that's usually talked about x

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  29. I am just finding your posting after searching the same thing..."disappointment after gender reveal". I found out yesterday I am having another little girl and didn't realize until after we cut into the cake and revealed the pink inside that I desperately had been hoping for a boy. I have always wanted one of each and my husband and I are pretty sure we are not going to have any more kids. I too put on a brave face as all of our family came up and congratulated us. It wasn't until last night as I lay in bed that I broke down and cried and confessed to my husband how I was feeling. Luckily he was very supportive and has been all day today as I have cried almost all day and cannot shake these feelings no matter how hard I try to snap out of it. I pray that in time I will get over the grief of the little boy I will not be having and be able to really enjoy the gift of the little girl growing inside me.

    Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I am not alone in this.

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  30. What an amazing blog post on gender disappointment unlike another one I have read today. Such an insight into your experience and can't wait to now read your one year later blog!

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  31. Thanks for your informative article. I reckon 3d ultrasound Melbourne and 4d ultrasound Melbourne scan is best option to determine the early child health.

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