Thursday, 25 January 2018

Stopping At Three?

They say that time flies when you're having fun and never has that statement seemed more true to me than since I became a mother.

Yes I know how cheesy that sounds, and yes there are days when I would give pretty much anything for just 10 minutes alone time, but despite all of that the past 5 years of my life have without doubt been the best.

They've also been a total whirlwind.

I fell pregnant with my first child after just one try back in late Summer 2012 and just 3 and a half years later, in February 2016, I gave birth to my third son Sailor.

Its fair to say that the last 5 years have gone by in a blur of nappies, milk and sleepless nights and sometimes I still feel almost shocked when the realisation that I'm a mother to three little people hits me.

It's all happened very fast.

Once our eldest son Tyne was starting to toddle and say a few words, we felt excited about the prospect of giving him a younger sibling and watching their relationship blossom - and so we decided we'd start trying, heeding all of the warnings that it could take 6 months or so to happen.

Within the week, we were pregnant and after a bit of a worrying start to the pregnancy, all ended up well and Noah arrived safely into our arms 9 months later.

We assumed we'd stop there for a while - although we had always said we wanted to have 3 or 4 children, we knew we'd probably wait another couple of years before thinking about whether we'd hold to that number.

But fate had other plans, and just 6 weeks later I fell pregnant again.

And there we were - with our 3 little boys all aged under 3 to begin with - and the happy chaos began!

 Life with 3 little ones so close in age hasn't been easy, that's for sure - we don't have the help of family members very often due to distance and its our choice for them not to go to childcare at the moment - it can be demanding, there's very little chance for "me time" or even couple time - in fact we regularly joke/eye roll about the fact that we can hardly ever finish a sentence to each other.

And going out anywhere with the three boys is challenging - they're so full of energy and three is a lot to look after at once when they're all so little! Our visit to the supermarket today caused a fair few eye rolls - the boys are loud, fizzy and always trying to break free!

And it's not as though we've cracked the night time routine -even at their current ages of almost 5, 3 and 2 none of the boys are particularly great sleepers, all of them wake at least once or twice each in the night and there's NEVER a night that one of them doesn't end up in our bed.

Life with these boys of mine is constant, it's chaotic and it's not for the faint hearted...I'm the first to admit that.

And I'm the first to admit that sometimes I do find it tough - when the working mum guilt gets overwhelming, when I struggle with feelings of depression and anxiety, when I just don't know how to get through another day of tantrums or when everybody's sick at once and I feel like I'm at the end of my tether.

Make no mistakes about it...I am NOT super mum. I don't always find it easy.

So might wonder....why am I feeling so broody right now?

Because I am.

I really, really am.

It feels as though everywhere I look there are newborn babies, and I swear just the sight of them makes my ovaries jump.

I find myself cooing and clucking over tiny shoes and outfits in supermarkets.

And I have such an urge to pack a hospital bag again!

It's on my mind pretty constantly right now, in fact I even have an image in my mind - as clear as day - of who this 4th baby might be. As crazy as I know it sounds, I can picture a fourth little face in my mind and I even know his name already (yep, in my mind its another boy, so if you're thinking I just want a baby girl I'm sorry but there goes your theory! Of course we'd be happy with either, but I just have this feeling about this fourth little boy....)

But the thing when you have three children is -  the mere mention of thinking about having another makes people literally gasp and recoil in shock/horror.

Nobody can understand why you could possibly want another one. Some people are even happy to tell you as much.

And it gets into my head and makes me wonder...ARE we crazy for wanting another baby?

Because when you think about it...a lot of the warnings people throw at me are true.

It WILL make life a lot more expensive - holiday prices will jump significantly, we'll need a new car or a bloody expensive multi-mac at least.

We may even need to move to a bigger house, or at least move all of the boys into one bedroom.

And will I be able to cope with another? Because people  like to insinuate that I won't. That I'll never have a moments peace again, that my house will be chaos.

Then there's the boys...what if they don't want another sibling? Is it cruel to make them share a room? To make them split their one on one time with us with a fourth sibling too?

And then there are those who tell us its selfish, its bad for the environment, the world doesn't need more children and so on and so on.

And of course...there are my own fears too.

My main one being...what if my luck has run out? I know we've been so very fortunate to have three relatively uneventful pregnancies which have resulted in three perfectly healthy lovely children.

Are we pushing our luck to try again a fourth time? What if something goes wrong? What if something happens to the baby? What if something happens to me?

My mind is constantly full of what ifs, and's starting to drive me a little bit mad!

If I was younger, I'd probably tell myself to give it some time. That there's no hurry, that maybe I should wait until the boys are all school age before going there again - to give us time to find our groove more, to give my body time to recover from three c sections, to give us time to save more, so that I'll have time to just enjoy the baby more when the boys need me less.

But I'm not younger. We're not younger. I'll be 37 this year, and Jon will be 45.

I feel like there's definite time pressure.

That always makes it so much easier to make a decision, doesn't it?! *sarcasm*

So I guess I'm do you know?

How do you know what the right number for your family is?

How do you make such huge life altering decisions when you have 3 little people to consider too?

Do all of these questions mean it's not the right thing for us?

But if it's not the right thing for us, why do I simply not feel "done" yet? Why can I see that fourth babys face?

Why am I so broody?!

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