Tuesday, 30 July 2019


Can I be honest?

I'm struggling lately.

This Mum title feels like a difficult one to live up to sometimes.

There are three little people who need me, who want to be around me always, who are relying on me.

But I need me, too.

I need space to breathe. Space to not be touched just for a little while. Space to finish a thought without interruption. Space to just be me, for me.

Can I be honest?

Some days I want to run away. Far far away. Where to? I have not the slightest idea. Just somewhere. On my own. Just for a little while.

Take take care of my mental health, to build my ever-decreasing patience back up again, to speak with my BetterHelp therapist, to offload, to vent...to just breathe.

Sometimes I don't want to be the one to break up the fights, to sort out the tantrums, to be the voice of reason, to explain again and again and again why it's important to go to sleep and to beg for some peace and quiet, for just an hour or two at night.

Can I be honest?

Sometimes I feel like the only one who is struggling. Sometimes I feel like everybody else knows a secret that I don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm not always enjoying this all that much...

But then comes the guilt. Because I SHOULD be enjoying this, every single exhausting second of this, because I should be grateful, because some people long for this and can't have it, because one day it will all be behind me and I'll miss it.

Can I be honest?

I KNOW those things already. And hearing them doesn't help. It doesn't bring gratitude, it just brings more pressure. WHY can't I be grateful? WHY am I so selfish? WHY WHY WHY...

What is wrong with me? Am I not cut out for this? Am I the only one? It feels like I'm the only one.

Can I be honest?

CAN I be honest?

Because they tell me I can. They tell me I should be. They tell me it's good to talk, to vent, to share...

But then they also shout me down when I try to. They tell me it's my choice to be around these children 24/7 - it's my choice to home educate them so how dare I complain? How dare I struggle? How dare I find it hard?

It's MY choice to do this.

Shut up, put up. You made your bed, now lie in it.

You're bringing it on yourself.

It feels as though my honesty isn't allowed. Isn't wanted.

My honesty doesn't count.

Because my choices aren't the norm.

But they are though, really.

My choices are to do what feels best for my children...even though it's hard sometimes, even though I struggle.

Isn't that the choice every mother makes? To do what she thinks is best?

I'm not an earth mother. I don't often feel like I fit with the other parents in my circles.

I'm not always calm. I lose my shit. I want some space. I CRAVE some space.

I'm doing my best.

But can I be honest?

It's hard.

REALLY hard sometimes.

Impossibly hard.

And sometimes I'm not enjoying it.

And I feel so guilty for that.

And the guilt makes it all feel 10 x worse.

But what can I do?

I can be honest.

Can't I?

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