Every week in the UK, two women are killed by a current or former partner. The recent headlines around a young woman who was killed alongside her sister and mother by her former partner highlight the need for change in the way domestic abuse is handled.
With male violence against women & girls ever increasing, it has never been more important to break the stigma and allow women to speak freely about their experiences.
As someone who lived in the shadows of domestic abuse for several years, I know all too well the fear and shame that silence can bring. But I also know that sometimes, it can feel preferable to the stigma and disbelief that speaking out can bring. I believe that this is what we really need to address.
Because until victims are supported in speaking out, what incentive is there for abusers to stop?
The Weight of Silence & Finding My Voice
I’ve spoken before about how the feelings of shame and embarrassment were often worse for me than the physical pain and fear I experienced at the hands of my abuser. That shame didn’t only last for the length of the relationship, it carried on for years afterwards too.
When I first decided to share my experiences in that relationship publicly, I was nervous about peoples reaction – particularly the reactions of my family, and of the shared friends we’d made during our time together. I worried about being disbelieved, I worried about him denying everything…but it turned out that the very worst thing I experienced was something I hadn’t considered at all: Apathy.
To this day, I have very close family members who remain Facebook friends with my abuser – who comment pleasantries on photographs of his children and send him well wishes. They know exactly how he abused me during our relationship – they know that his abuse was extremely physical, to the extent that I still have lasting injuries over 15 years later. But none of that seems to be important. It’s very difficult to describe how that feels. I guess it feels very similar to the kind of gaslighting you experience in an abusive relationship – it makes you question your own sanity, whether you’ve imagined everything or whether there is something wrong with YOU…because you can’t imagine ever maintaining even a casual social media friendship with someone who did those things to your family.
As well as this, I received comments from strangers online – people who didn’t know either one of us – telling me how sorry they felt for HIM. Because he had moved on to a new relationship now and was a father, so they didn’t feel it was fair or right for me to share my experiences with him. They believed he should be free to move on with his life without this following him – they didn’t seem to care about the trauma I was left with, or the YEARS of difficult and expensive psychotherapy I’m still working through to try to heal.
The apathy and lack of concern for me as the victim was truly shocking to experience, and I continue to see the same story play out time and time again when domestic abuse is revealed – whether in headlines or from celebrity couples. The focus is so rarely on what the victim experiences and the commentary is so rarely supportive. Is it any wonder that women are reluctant to speak out at all?
Despite all of this, I felt deep down in my core that I was not wrong for speaking out about what he had done.
I had moments of doubt, where I considered deleting every blog post I had ever written about it – and the constant wondering about whether he knew that I’d spoken out and what he might do was overwhelming at times.
But I knew that silence would only serve to protect him. And I knew that he did not deserve that. I knew that my voice deserved to be heard, even if not everybody agreed.
So I kept those posts up. They have remained on my blog for several years. And as it turned out, I am so very glad that I did….
The Power of Speaking Out
As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I had always worried about whether my quiet escape from our relationship and the lack of any consequences for him meant that he had gone on to be abusive toward his next partner too. He had children with her and, having personally experienced his threatening behaviour toward children in my own family, I was terrified that they might be experiencing the same things that I did.
A couple of years ago, I received an email from his new partners family, explaining that they had found my posts and that they confirmed the fears they had for her wellbeing. I won’t go into detail as it’s not my story to tell, but having had communication with her and knowing that the posts I shared about my experiences helped her to realise that she had not been imagining things in their own relationship and encouraged her to break away from him, I am so glad that I didn’t listen to what other people said.
Speaking openly about our experiences can be a powerful way to hold abusers to account, and to protect other people from their harm too.
We never owe silence and protection to anyone who hurts us.
As well as this, it’s worth noting that sharing my story has been a crucial part of my own healing process too. It has allowed me to reclaim my power and rebuild my self-worth.
Every time I share my story, I receive messages from others who feel empowered to speak out about their own abuse experiences. It’s a reminder that our voices matter. We deserve to be heard.
Breaking my silence was one of the hardest yet most liberating things I’ve ever done. It wasn’t always met with the support it should have been, but I don’t regret it. It helped to free others, and it freed me from being forced to carry the weight of what he did to me through my life.
If you’re suffering or have suffered in silence, please know that your voice is powerful. Speaking out is a difficult but brave step towards reclaiming your life and your power.
Together, we can break the silence and support each other towards a future free from abuse.
Resources & Support
If you are experiencing or have experienced abuse, remember, you don’t have to face this alone.
If you are in the UK and experiencing domestic abuse, here are some resources you can reach out to for help:
- Refuge: A national charity providing support for women and children experiencing domestic violence. Call their 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline at 0808 2000 247 or visit their website at refuge.org.uk.
- Women’s Aid: An organization working to end domestic abuse against women and children. They offer a range of services, including a live chat service available on their website at womensaid.org.uk.
- Men’s Advice Line: A confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse. Call 0808 801 0327 or visit mensadviceline.org.uk.
- National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: Support for LGBT+ victims of domestic abuse. Call 0800 999 5428 or visit galop.org.uk.
- Victim Support: An independent charity offering emotional and practical support to victims of crime and traumatic events. Call their free support line at 0808 1689 111 or visit victimsupport.org.uk.