Another week…another onslaught of headlines in the press about “the Transgender debate”.
Another week…another mindless anti-trans Facebook share from a distant relative that makes my heart beat faster.
Another week…another comment section full of bigotry and hate from strangers under the guise of religious love.
Another week where every notification on my phone, every scroll through my social media pages results in anxiety. In adrenaline flooding my body as my fight or flight response kicks in, and I weigh up whether this time I should let it go…turn the other cheek and keep my hurt locked away again…
or whether this time I should say something and stand up for you.
Stand up for your right to exist as yourself without who you are being called in to question by people who have never even met you.
Stand up for our right to raise you in the way we think is best, without having our character attacked by people who insist that we should be living by the laws of a God we don’t even believe in.
Another week where the political dog whistles are so loud… so overwhelming, and the hate they stir up so visceral that I struggle to even get out of bed some days.
But not for you.
For you its just another week of copying Taylor Swift dance routines and declaring your intention to be a world famous singer one day, while you make us watch and applaud you in the living room.
Another day where you are just a kid. A kid who is blissfully, beautifully unaware of the debate that your very existence stirs up. And I wish it could stay that way forever.
I wish you never had to feel the way that I feel when I’m forced to defend you and those like you…transgender people who are born into a society that isn’t ready to accept them as they are with no questions asked – but instead wants to force them to justify who they are, to convince medical professionals of it and to satisfy hate-filled strangers that you’re certain about it before they’ll stop thinking of you as a poor, unfortunate brainwashed child and start to direct hate toward you for being confident in your identity instead.
Because that’s how they see it. In their eyes, trans people are either brainwashed, mentally ill or a pervert…there is nothing in between. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly explain how that feels as a parent.
But I know that one day, it will be you feeling all of these things.
It will be you finding out that your very own family harbour views and political leanings that would strip away your rights and deny you autonomy.
It will be you turning on morning television and being confronted with debates about whether or not people like you should be allowed certain freedoms that others don’t even have to question.
And that knowledge is the thing that keeps me angry. It’s the driving force that keeps me from locking the doors, hiding under my duvet and never surfacing again. It’s the thing that keeps me fighting.
Because I have to do everything I can to try to make people stop and think about things, before its too late for you in the way it’s already too late for so many other transgender people like you. Before their hate gets chance to stomp out your light.
One thing I wish that people knew about what it’s like to raise a transgender young person in the current political climate is how excruciatingly draining and exhausting it is to live in this constant state of anxiety.
Where almost every person in our lives has a question mark hanging over them. We always have to wonder what views people are harbouring. We always have to wonder whether people close to us will be swayed and led to believe the media lies. We always have to wonder about every new person we meet, whether they’re a safe person or whether they’re someone to be wary of.
I like to think I can usually tell. Especially when the subject comes up in conversation…
When people first find out that you’re transgender, it’s their eyes that give them away even if they don’t actually say anything. It’s usually just a flicker – just the faintest of looks, but it’s there, that fleeting flash of disapproval. I catch it every time. You’d think it would be something you get used to but you don’t really, I still feel my stomach sink every time I spot it. It’s incredible really, how that one little flicker can set off such a wave of emotions in me…but I suppose its the maternal instinct to protect kicking in. Because that flicker represents a threat to you…whether they’d hurt you with their words or hurt you with their votes, the threat is just as real.
It’s not always that easy to spot, unfortunately. Sometimes people do hold their cards closer to their chests and I’m left wondering where people stand…so I usually go away and have a look at their social media pages, looking for hints and clues about what their views are. Often they’ll be right there for all to see, and I’ll know that person isn’t for us. Because I’ll be damned if I allow people to be around you when they’re secretly questioning or doubting you.
When you’re raising a transgender young person, your circle of trust becomes very small. Because the world is full of enough hate and noise as it is, and we just can’t afford to allow that noise into our inner circle. It’s exhausting enough having to justify who you are to strangers. To be confronted with it every time you open your Facebook page or have a catch up with a family member is just too much.
I wish I could protect you from these people forever. The ones who claim to be so concerned about kids like you, but who are so unwilling to allow you to be yourself and to thrive like you are with love and support… who would rather use their “concern” to force you to be the way that THEY think you should be.
But I know that I can’t.
So instead, my wish for you is that you have enough fire within you to burn so brightly that you dazzle them all. That you are so steadfast in your knowledge of self that you are unshakeable. That you have enough confidence to be so fiercely yourself that no amount of questioning or misdirected hate can deter you.
One day our society will wake up and realise the very same thing that tribal communities around the world have known and lived for generations, what scientists around the world have stated, and what the animal kingdom teaches us…that gender is so much more complicated than chromosomes. But until then, I will keep holding my breathe when I open my Facebook page as I wait to see who is going to ruin our week by outing their hateful views next. I’ll keep using my voice to fight this cause even when it wobbles. And I’ll keep hoping that the world will change for you.
Because anything else is too awful to think about.