questions to my inbox from the parents, relatives and teachers of young people
who have recently come out as transgender or have begun gender-questioning. The
most common of which is always “How best to support a transgender child?”This question fills me up with warm fuzzy feelings every single time
because it shows me that – despite the hate we can often see in the media and
dripping from the mouths of politicians – the vast majority of normal people
want to support the LGBTQ+ youth in their lives without judgement.
When a young person first articulates feelings of gender dysphoria, it
can be pretty scary…for you as well as for them. You don’t want to say the
wrong thing – you want to show your love and acceptance of them without overwhelming
them. At the same time, your mind is likely racing with worry about what their
future may look like and how accepted they’re going to be by the society around
them. This is totally normal. It’s also normal to have questions and concerns –
maybe you’re worried about how sure they really are, concerned that it might be
a phase or something they’re being influenced into thinking, or maybe you’re
struggling to comprehend it because it’s just not something you’ve come across
before.
Again…normal. You’re not a bad person for having these thoughts. But
the way you handle them is so important.
And that responsibility can feel overwhelming. Believe me, I get
it.
If I had to give one single piece of advice to anybody at the start of
this journey, it would be to take it one day at a time. Don’t jump ahead by
trying to ingest ALL of the information you can find right away. That’s a fast
track ticket to overwhelm city. There’s no hurry – you don’t need to have all
of the answers overnight. This is a marathon, not a sprint – so protect your
energy, and take it slowly.
Here are 5 simple and straightforward steps you can take to support the
young person in question.
5 Ways To Support A Transgender Child
1. Listen
As obvious as it sounds, this is the single most important thing you can
do. If a young person has trusted you enough to tell you how they’re feeling,
then you’re likely already doing something right.
Let them know that they can confide in you whenever they need to, by
actively listening – allowing them to speak freely, and trying to receive what
they’re telling you without judgement.
Thank them for confiding in you and let them know that you hear them,
and you believe them. This is something adults often neglect to do, especially
if a child is quite young. We can be so quick to dismiss things as a phase,
that we forget to let our children know that we’re hearing what they’re telling
us.
You don’t need to reason with your child at this point, rationalise
their feelings or try to explain them away – this is not something that they
need you to fix for them. Just hear what they’re telling you and let them know
that you’re happy for them to keep talking to you about it and that you are there
to listen whenever they need you. There is so much power in simply listening, and this is truly one of the most powerful ways to support a transgender child.
2. Educate
Education on what it actually means to be transgender is so important
but remember to be mindful of not jumping in too fast and overwhelming
yourself…or anybody else! Instead, try to take a more mindful and measured
approach…
*Educate your child… Provide them with reading
materials that address feelings of gender dysphoria in an age appropriate way –
whether its children’s stories addressing how it might feel to be transgender,
or first-hand autobiographical experiences from trans-activists aimed at young
adults.
A lot of people fear that providing young people with information on
what it means to question your gender might somehow “make them trans”
– this is simply not true. Reading about gender dysphoria is no more going to
make your child trans than reading The Gruffalo is going to make them a hairy
monster. You cannot “make someone trans”. They either are trans or
they’re not…and if not, they will soon figure that out, either on their own
or with the support of a gender dysphoria team later down the line. What
educating your child on gender questioning WILL do is help them to feel less
alone in their experience and assist them in figuring out their feelings.
*Educate those around them…Whether its siblings, grandparents, or
classmates, having open discussions about what it means to be transgender can
be crucial in helping those around you to be supportive. Again, reading
materials can be very helpful with this – always ensure that you’re selecting
materials from transgender authors with lived experience.
I found it helpful to discuss the statistics around suicide rates for
unsupported trans youth with family members, as these really do very quickly
drive home the need for affirmation and respect (48% of transgender young
people have attempted suicide (1), but trans youth who
are supported by at least one adult in their life are one-third less likely to
attempt suicide (2)).
Try to be open and encourage questions where possible but let them know
that the child should not be burdened with these – instead, they can direct
their questions to you (no need to worry about not having all of the answers,
it’s ok to say “I don’t know the answer to that”).
*Educate yourself…Again, take it slowly. One step at a time.
Choose reading materials or podcasts from those with lived experience
relevant to your own. If you’re parenting a very young child with gender
dysphoria, acknowledge that you still have a long time to go before any big changes
need to happen so you can afford to take it super slowly. Choose educational
materials from people who have lived experience of supporting young children
through this period (this will help you to weed out scaremongering material
from anti-trans journalists who can often disguise their work well as simply
“informational” when in fact it is heavily biased.)
If your child is older, then go for materials that will walk you through
the things you’re currently experiencing and look to trans-activists online for
helpful short-form content to guide you.
You may find it helpful to join support groups for parents on social
media or through forums such as Mermaids, and there are often
local groups and meet ups with other families which can be invaluable too.
You may also want to speak to your family GP for some advice. Younger
children are likely to be advised to follow a watchful waiting process, whereas
older children might be referred to gender services for support and guidance.
Rest assured that the process is slow, and nothing will be rushed. It’s often a
wise idea to get their name on the waiting list as soon as possible as these
can be years long – their name can always be removed should they no longer need
the service when their turn comes.
3. Follow
My number one rule has always been that my child is in charge of this
journey. She is the one living this experience first-hand and only she can
truly know what feels right for her.
You will likely receive a lot of unsolicited advice from people when
your child comes out as transgender but the most important person to listen to
(arguably the only one to listen to) is ALWAYS the child.
Let them know that you will follow their lead – allow them to let you
know what they need from you. Whether they would like to change pronouns, if
they’d like to use a different name, if they want to wear different styles of
clothing – let them be in charge of these changes. If you’re unsure about how
best to support them through any particular aspect of this journey, ask them
directly what they need. The more you encourage them to be open with you and
demonstrate your willingness to support and affirm them, the better.
4. Accept
One of the most common things I hear from parents is “I just want
things back to the way they were before…”That is completely
understandable, and I don’t believe that anyone should feel bad about having
those thoughts and feelings – it’s impossible not to worry about what the
future might hold for our kids, and we all just want the easiest and happiest
life possible for them.
But the fact is, if they’re already telling you that they don’t feel
comfortable with their assigned birth gender, there’s no going back to a time
before they said it. Any attempts you make to force things to stay the same
could never possibly lead to anything good…it can lead to oppressed feelings
and a child who is masking their truth, whilst deep down inside is left feeling
unsupported and miserable – eventually something will have to give.
It is far better to pour your energy into radical acceptance – the
practise of acknowledging that this may not be what you want, allowing space
for your feelings of grief or sadness (whilst being sure to keep these away
from your child), but accepting that this is the situation. Nothing can change
it, so all you can do is move forward with acceptance and love, trusting that
your child will have the best possible chance of happiness with your support.
If you’re struggling with acceptance, I would recommend seeking some
counselling for yourself to help you process your feelings in a safe space away
from your child. I would also recommend seeking out examples of trans joy – I
fortunately have always felt quite accepting of my child’s gender identity, but
even I find it incredibly helpful to see lots of examples of trans people
living joyful lives when I scroll through my social media feed. There are many
accounts to follow online which will help you to witness true trans joy.
I hope this has been helpful to anyone at the start of this journey. I
know it can be an overwhelming time, but just remember that the most important
thing is to listen to your child and let them know they have your love and
support no matter what.
Together, you can work out the rest – one step at a time.
Sources:
1 – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5178031/#ref13
2 – https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/trgh.2021.0079