I’m not in my usual writing spot tonight. I don’t even have my laptop. It’s a Saturday evening, and I’m sitting alone on the sofa, reality TV flickering in the background as I try to unwind from a long day of parenting. But a movie trailer that just flashed up on my screen has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions, so powerful that I had to reach for my notes app and start writing.
The movie was It Ends With Us, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s popular novel. Both the book and the film focus on domestic violence—a subject that hits incredibly close to home for me.
For context, I’m a domestic abuse survivor. I endured seven years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of my then-fiancé. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, partly due to these experiences, and I’m still in therapy, trying to navigate the aftermath.
Now granted – I have not read the book.
I tried, but it was too triggering, so I put it down very early on. I DID read the final three pages – and I found them to show an incredibly overly-simplistic and romanticised portrayal of an abuser and his victim.
I already know I won’t be able to handle the movie. The loud, violent slams and explosive anger shown in the trailer were too much for me. So, yes, there’s a chance I might have misread the situation, but I doubt I’ll ever find out for sure.
But from the impression the movie synopsis gives me, along with the promotional marketing I’ve seen for it – I feel it’s tone deaf at best, and irresponsible at worst.
Now let me just clarify: I am a BIG believer in not staying silent about domestic violence. I understand that many people find the book and movie empowering for women in abusive relationships—and perhaps it is. As I said, I haven’t been able to read or watch it, so I may never truly know.
But I have read a plot breakdown. And my concern is that it sounds very similar to the way soap operas have portrayed domestic violence over the years. I recall seeing TV characters experiencing domestic abuse when I was a teenager, and feeling so swept up in their dramatic troubled love – the remorse and the forgiveness, the fight to save their love. My teenaged hopeless romantic self ate it up…and it came back to haunt me.
I worry that the media, perhaps unintentionally, romanticises domestic violence.
The abuser is always troubled – there’s always a big elaborate reason for his violence, something that probably makes him quite a sympathetic character underneath it all.
He’s damaged but he’s self-aware enough to know his behaviour is wrong, he’s remorseful and apologetic after he calms down and he’s full of self-loathing afterwards…he tries to do better but he’s simply too broken. In the end he probably walks away willingly because he loves her really, and he may even swear to stay away from women until he’s able to get a handle on his anger.
As for the victim…well she of course loves him deeply, and she doesn’t want to be seen as a victim- she’s actually an incredibly strong and feisty woman, someone who never imagined herself being in this situation, and in the end she knows she has to walk away from him even though it hurts. And she has the means and support to do exactly that.
In reality, most abusers don’t have a tragic backstory to explain their behaviour. They’re often narcissists who believe they have the right to control and abuse their partners. They have no respect for them. They may utter apologies on occasion after the first few violent outbursts, but those apologies become fewer and fewer very quickly, and are usually replaced with blame.
My abuser certainly never hated himself for what he did – he felt completely justified in his actions, which is why he inflicted them on multiple women before and after me.
Most victims do not possess the plucky strength that literary characters do – they’re usually people who are already beaten down by life, who are emotionally vulnerable and susceptible to the sort of manipulation that abusers are masters of. That’s why the abuser has singled them out in the first place. Abusers know exactly what kind of person they’re looking for.
But I think the thing that bothers me most that I never see portrayed in the media is the reality of how those around a couple experiencing domestic violence react when they find out.
The apathy. The indifference. In my experience, most people are not shocked and horrified when they hear that domestic abuse is happening.
I told multiple people what was happening to me and I was never once told how wrong or dangerous the situation was…I was simply told “men are just dicks sometimes” or the subject was completely brushed off.
Because more people experience low-level abuse than anyone wants to admit, and its much more normalised than you’d think.
But abuse is never okay, and when filing for divorce to stop the cycle, the journey is full of emotion. There is a lot of fear at first, then there is hope as self-worth begins to improve when stepping away from the abuser, and throughout it all, uncertainty. Of course, this is more simplistic than reality, and I hope you never experience that reality.
The decision to leave is never simple, especially if kids are involved. There’s the confusing way love is being weaponized against you, as well as worries of retaliation from your soon-to-be-ex spouse.
Finding physical safety and the mental peace that comes with that is a hard road. When filing for divorce, while it is a step forward, the legal process can bring up trauma as you recount the past and stand up to the person who has been tearing you down for so long.
But it can lead to healing, if you put in the work, and a healthier home environment for your kids, if you have any. That makes reaching out to a Phoenix divorce lawyer well worth the effort. The right professional cares about your situation and makes the process easier by guiding you through each step.
During my own experiences, strangers on the street witnessed what was happening to me. But nobody ever intervened. Neighbours who must have heard the violence never mentioned it or checked in on me. In movies, you don’t see the victim blaming, the shaming, the disbelief from mutual friends, or the mentality that “she must have driven him to it.” And most of all, you never see the loneliness and entrapment realistically portrayed.
I’m seeing so much adoration for the strength of Lily Bloom’s character and how inspiring she must be to victims for breaking the cycle of abuse – but I wonder if she was someone who had no money, no family support to leave, and literally nobody to turn to and nowhere to go? If she was 100% reliant on her abuser financially? If she had no friends or family left on her side to help her escape?
It’s no coincidence that most of the people I see applauding Lily Bloom’s character as inspirational are middle-class women. While abuse crosses all social divides, it must be said that working-class women are more often trapped in their situations due to financial and socio-economic circumstances beyond their control, after many years of being beaten down in life. These aren’t plucky, spirited women who have the means to start a floristry business and rescue themselves.
I worked for a charity offering mental health support for abused women who were trying to heal their trauma and many of them were forced to still live with their abusers because they had literally no way out for all of the above reasons. Because charities were at capacity and couldn’t help them. Some of these women were in their 60s and had lived with decades of abuse, had no financial independence and nowhere to turn. I really can’t see this glamourous young woman, with another love interest waiting in the wings for her, being an inspiring figure to these real life victims. In fact Lily Bloom is an entirely unrelatable character for most of them.
I understand that It Ends With Us is just a story, and I know it’s probably well-intentioned. But I worry that it makes domestic violence seem like a tortured romantic love story, instead of the often inescapable hell that it is. For real victims, it can take decades of trauma therapy to recover—if they’re lucky enough to escape at all.
I know some will disagree and argue that any attention to the issue is positive. But for me, it triggers a deep discomfort. The glossy marketing, the Hollywood red carpets, and Blake Lively in stunning gowns talking about this as a “great movie to see with friends” feels profoundly tone-deaf. I can’t think of anything more triggering than being asked to see this film by a friend and having to explain why I can’t.
The whole thing feels like a “Hallmark Movies Tackles Real Life Problems” sort of vibe and I’m just not here for it.
I understand that it’s a movie and they want it to make money. I understand it was based on the authors childhood experiences with her parents. But I truly think they have missed the mark with all of it.
I hope that the romanticising of domestic abuse is what finally ends with this movie. But I fear it has paved the way for another generation of young women to see abusers as tortured souls deserving of our sympathy.